It is better for the government to spend money to build new houses than to preserve historic or traditional buildings
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
These days, a substantial number of people believe that spending money to build new houses is better than preserving historic buildings because it will lessen housing problems. However, contrary to this notion, I firmly believe that preserving traditional buildings are more important. The compelling logic behind this is that conserving historic buildings will have positive influence on children’s education. What is more, it will improve the economic situation.
To begin with, preserving historic buildings are crucial factors for enhancing children’s education. An important reason (for this) is that historic buildings provide children with many instructive first-hand experiences ranging from tangible structures to imposing scenery. Therefore, landmarks can lead children to think thinking more creative creatively with imaginationand imaginary. 역사 유적이 아이들의 교육에 도움이 된다는 근거는 타당해 보입니다. 이를 보존함으로써 어떤 점이 좋은지에 대한 설명도 알맞게 잘 풀어주셨습니다^^ tangible structures, imposing scenery라는 표현들이 근거를 탄탄하게 뒷받침해주고 있습니다. 이 부분들과 후에 등장하는 상상력과 창의력이라는 키워드를 '역사적'인 요소와 연결짓는다면 더 의미가 분명해질 수 있겠습니다. For example, when I was a kid, my mother compelled me to go out and watch some traditional buildings because of my sedentary habits which lured me playing computer games and watching TV. At that time, I was angry with my mother but when I saw the historic building, I realized that I should have appreciated my mom. This was because I could learn a lot of things by how the building was built, knowing ancestor’s life in thousands years ago, and even the trace of the war. In this respect, the historic building is necessary for children’s educational system. 나의 주장에 부합하는 내용의 사례입니다. 구체적인 내용이 잘 설명되어 있습니다.
Moreover, traditional buildings improve the economic situation of a nation. This is largely because the benefit of historic building’s protection is related to the economy. In other words, the well-preserved historic buildings can develop tourism industry as attraction attracting millions of foreign visitors and provide providing historical information with beautiful scenery. 내용에 알맞은 설명을 잘 풀어주셨습니다^^ For example, Rome, the capital city of Italy, known for a great number of historic buildings, benefits from tourism. This is because they draw numerous foreign visitors wanting to enjoy the grand scale of historic buildings. Therefore, many businesses such as restaurants, snack shops, and souvenir stores will have are getting more and more customers. What is more, a number of jobs related to the historic buildings will be have been created. (앞으로 그렇게 될 것이라기 보다는 현재도 계속해서 고객을 끌어모으고 있고, 앞으로도 계속 이어질 것이므로 미래형, 현재완료형을 써서 표현하는 것이 더 자연스럽겠습니다.) Thus this example proves that the well-preserved historic buildings will have economic benefits. 관광수익으로 경제가 활성화되어 있는 상황을 잘 설명하고 있습니다. 사족을 좀 달자면 로마가 고대 유적을 '잘 보호하고 있다'는 내용을 같이 언급하는 것도 좋겠습니다. 같은 단어를 반복적으로 사용하는 것보다 conservation and use of heritages, legacy, the commercial value of a historic building과 같은 표현을 사용하는 것도 좋겠네요^^잘 쓰셨습니다.
In conclusion, without any hesitation, I will always choose to preserve the traditional buildings. This is because preservation of historic buildings provides children with education and lead to the development of the economy.
몇 가지 문법 실수를 제외하면 내용이 논리적으로 잘 풀려 있습니다. good level 무난하게 받으실 수 있을 것 같아요. 자세한 내용 코멘트 참고하시기 바랍니다. 계속해서 시간 안배에 유의하면서 여러가지 주제로 연습하셔서 좋은 결과 있으시길 바랄게요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!