Today, the value of education has been highlighting highlighted, this is because it will brings a great deal of advantages to society and to the individual itself. Regarding this topic, I whole heartedly believe that education promotion is the most essential factor to develop a society and a country. This is because education is the basic method to being a professional and it will lead student to be widen their perspective.
First and foremost, through promoting school, students would be encouraged to pay attention to specific knowledge. The Meaning of school is to educate students with diverse subjects such as Science, Mathematics, Biology, and etc. By learning about those subjects, it would draw student's attention and motivate them to improve their skills and ability matched with on their interest. For In my closest friend's case, who was my classmate in the computer class, he has tried to put more effort and time. Moreover, he seemed like more focused on the lecture and laboratory classes because he mentioned that that the subjects made him getting an to pay attention more, and he felt that it was the best matching subject with him. Later on, as he occupied for that computer class, he entered in big major technology company as computer engineer. Likewise, the subjects that students learn makes students to find the field that fit into their interest, and students would take a benefit of choosing a career.
example이랑 topic을 connect 해주세요. Off-topic이 되는 거 같아요. 학교를 improve하는 게 왜 과목들을 variety 하게 만드는지, 혹은 왜 학생들을 집중하게 만드는지 이유를 써 주시는 게 좋을 것 같네요.
On top of that, school is not only for acquisition of knowledge, but also for development of sociality and morality. As school offers festival or sports league to students, they students would be able to improve interaction and cooperation skills with other students. Therefore, it will be beneficial easier for graduates to be adopted adapt to in new environment with co-workers and supervisor and help them to be united with colleagues easily. What is more, morality class would develop student's sense of value and law class would encourage student to have spirit of a law observance (??? Sentence does not make sense at all.). Likewise, through those activities and subjects, it would help students to develop themselves mentally and physically.
Therefore, these students well-educated students those subjects will be conducive to lead economy by observing a certain rule of society.
파란부분은 없애는 게 좋을 것 같아요. 하지만 쓰길 원하신다면 수정이 필요합니다. Run-on sentence 입니다.
In conclusion, I strongly agree with that country should have more focus on the improvement of school, this is because it would promote students to grow up develop themselves and find their field matched with of interest. Students would learn how to survive in this society with by obeying specific rules in a workplace or society.
문장구사에 더 신경 쓰셔야 할 것 같습니다. 전체적으로 문법적인 문제가 있어 보입니다. 내용적인 면으로는 조금만 보완해주시면 될 것 같네요. 두번째 body paragraph에 example을 찾을 수 있다면 추가 해주시는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. 수고하셨습니다. |