▶ Your Answer :
Last summer my mother made a big decision which was to - she decided to go to graduate school despite her age, 50. She was 50 at that time, As an outstanding professional, she had reputation and enough money extraordinary professional in her field, had no problem on neither financial nor reputational thing. "Why does she want to challenge?" The question was brought in my mind. Why do people go to school? (질문형 문장은 만들지 않으시는 것이 좋습니다~) Thanks to her, I thought about reasons why people go to school. And the reasons are And then, my answers are here : Knowledge, Societal awareness and Relationship.
At first, people go to school in order to expand their knowledge. This is the reason for most of the people because that's why we go to college after high school, even graduate school after college. Everyone who wants to be professional is are willing to get a doctor’s degree Ph.D. Thesedays, some people are trying to explore/study exploring another field, which is totally different from their major. Economists want to study genetics. Scientists write their paper about in music subject. This phenomenon is somewhat trendy, called interdisciplinary approach, and now many institutes regarding 'multi field learning' are given birth. à 사람들이 지식을 쌓기 원한다. 그에 대한 supportive sentence 로 제시하신 것이 박사학위를 받고 싶어하기 때문이라도 하셨어요. 그런데 이 내용이 구체적으로 설명되지 못하고 오히려 이쪽 전문가가 다른 분야를 개척하는 내용을 쓰셨네요. 글의 흐름을 다시 한번 잡아주시면 좋겠습니다.)
Also people go to school to be in better position gain societal awareness. People who take high level of education receive more money and have better reputation in society In the States, in Korea as well, higher education is translated into more money and better reputation. Things are mostly clear in celebrities' reputation. (celebrities 의 종류도 참 다양한데 갑작스럽게 이 문장이 나오니 문맥이 자연스럽지는 않습니다.) People believe that highly educated celebrities are all good, mature and never do bad things Public guarantee that this educated actor (or musician) is a good, matured person, never do bad behavior. For example, when Emma Watson, one of the hottest actresses in the UK, and (중간에 꾸며주는 부분 빼보면 when Emma Watson and now takes 이런말이네요. 애매합니다~ 정확하게 써주세요) now takes her role as the most fascinating Burberry girl in its history, went to Brown, her reputation had dramatically changed. (무슨 말인지 정확하게 이해가 안됩니다.) She was just a cute, millionaire kid in movie series called Harry Potter, but now she is a real role model of girls worldwide. (Emma Watson 예시로 든 부분은 organize 해주셔야 할 것 같습니다. 마지막 문장은 예로 든 이야기와 본인의 주장의 관계를 밝혀주는 문장으로 하면 좋겠습니다.)
Not only persuing education and reputation, but also people enroll the school class not only for taking education and establishing reputation but also for building to have interpersonal relationship. I once had a chance to have a visit to graduate school of public health. I, myself, have medicine as my major and was interested in the way they made their collegue in the field. (대학원을 방문할 기회를 갖게 된 것, 전공, 친구를 만드는 것. 이런 내용들을 한 문장안에 다 넣으려다보니 오히려 제대로 정리되지 못한 채 문장이 쓰여졌습니다. Clear 하게 써주세요) Doctors, nurses, nutritionist, people from administration office(,) and even politicians set around the table and shared their opportunities. They became friends and useful human resource resourses to for each other. I was shocked and fascinated(,) with benefits that school gives keep thinking that this is what real School about. (이번 문단에서도 detail한 부분들이 제대로 살지 못했고, supportive sentence 도 찾아볼 수 없네요. ㅠㅠ)
To conclude, I think people attend school because they can widen their knowledge, obtain good reputation and make a relationship with people in the same field of three main reasons: first, to expand their knowledge, not only exclusive but also in a wide range. second, to obtain good reputation. Lastly, to become company with other people in the same field.
글 전반적으로 수정이 필요한 것 같습니다. 각 문단은 문장의 논리적인 배열이 이루어지지 않은 듯 보입니다. 문장을 구성하시는 연습도 충분히 하셔야 할 것 같습니다. 수고하셨습니다~ |