▶ Your Answer :
Some people may think that there should not be any restrictions on TV advertisements targeting young kids. However, I think Television commercials directed toward children under the age of five should not be allowed. <좀 더 인트로 부분에 살을 붙이셔야 할 것 같아요. 인트로 부분이 제일 중요하기 때문에, 더 구체적으로 (전체적인 아이디어가 포함되어야 합니다) 써주세요 ^^>
One reason I think that is because/ Firstly, TV advertisements have more influence over young children than they do over older children or adults. Young children are likely to purchase products on TV or rather make their parents to purchase <문장에서 나오는 두 번째 동사이기 때문에, 동사원형을 그대로 사용 할 수는 없습니다. 그래서 앞에 to를 붙이던가, 동사를 과거형으로 만들어야 합니다> because they are easily persuaded by fascinating images displayed on the screen. Even before young kids are able to make a reasonable decision on what they buy, TV commercials stimulate them to purchase/unnecessary products. So, at least until children can decide what to buy reasonably, TV commercials directed toward young children should be limited. 조금 더 구체적으로 내용 구성해주시면 좋겠습니다. 첫번째, 두번째 문장에 나온 내용들을 expound 해주시고 적절한 조사결과나 예시를 다뤄주실 수도 있을 것 같네요.
Another reason is because other countries are already putting restrictions on TV advertisements targeting young children. 이 문장이 결과적으로 “5세 이하의 아이들을 겨냥한 광고를 막아야 한다” 라는 본인의 입장을 어떻게 뒷받침해주고 있는거죠? other countries 에서 제한을 두고 있으니까 우리도 따라서 해야한다는 의미로 쓰셨다면 조금 더 clear 하게 써주시고요~ 이를 support 해줄 수 있는 문장도 써주세요. In Korea, fast food commercials, which used to show funny charactors characters and toys together with fast food, are banned untill until the midnight. This is in order to keep children from those ads which can cause them to consume more fast food. Likewise, France and Germany also are limiting TV commercials targeting young children. (처음 두 문장을 어떻게 수정하시느냐에 따라서 글의 흐름이 조금은 바뀔 수도 있고, 구체적인 사항도 improve 할 수 있을 것 같습니다.)
To sum up, kids under the age of five are more easily deluded by TV commercials and many other countries are now taking measures to prevent children from those ads. For these reasons, TV advertisement targeting children under the age of five should not be allowed.
수고하셨습니다~ |