Today, it is easier to become an educated person than in the past.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Opinions are divided as to whether it is easier to become an educated person nowadays than in the past. I strongly agree that today, becoming educated is much easier for following two reasons. First, the availability of the Internet let allows ones easily to get information about what they want to learn easily . Second, competitive and busy social environment makes people become more equipped with knowledge on what they need. 주제와 나의 입장, 그에 대한 근거를 간결하게 잘 소개한 서론입니다.
To begin with, nowadays, access to the Internet is so high that ones can easily collect their information when they need it. Let me show an example to prove why person can become educated easily todays. These days many students can easily learn what they want from the websites, which offer a variety of courses compared to fixed traditional curriculums in convention school. Taking classes online is so cheap and convenient that people can be educated readily. Online users have another obvious advantage in that there is an active interaction and peer evaluation available. It was unimaginable in the past that regardless the time of day and place, people could upload and download their knowledge to share with others from various countries. Therefore, modern people find it easier to get a chance to become specialized and professionalized than before. This implies today being educated is easier than past. 인터넷의 발달로 쉽게 교육받을 수 있는 상황을 여러가지 예를 들어 잘 설명해주셨습니다. 인터넷 강의의 다양함, 빠른 상호작용이나 자료의 업로드 등의 사례는 모두 주장을 뒷받침하기에 적절합니다. 여러가지의 사례를 제시하기 이전에 간단하게 인터넷이 발달하면서 사람들이 '더 다양한 종류의 학문을' '쉽고 빠르게' '거리나 시간제약 없이' 제공받을 수 있게 되었다, 하는 정리된 설명을 먼저 제시하고 예시를 보여준다면 더 clear한 글이 될 수 있을 것 같아요^^
Furthermore, people tend to develop themselves to be more competitive nowadays. This is because getting into going to elite university or large and famous company is getting become more and more intensive. Naturally, many students keep a busy schedule preparing for their future career even in their freshman year at college. It is not uncommon for students student to take double majors to equip themselves with various knowledge and information. They take not only extra curriculum classes, but they are also willing to do volunteer work volunteering when they have some free time to get certificate. In the past, competitions like getting into famous school or getting a job were not that demanding. That is why people did not have to feel that much getting become more educated. However, as I mentioned, nowadays busy and intensive social environment causes people to become knowledgeable and intelligent. 문맥상 competitive한 사회상황이 사람들의 교육의 필요성과 욕구를 더 높인 것은 맞지만, 바쁜 사회적 환경은 사람들이 더 educated되어야 한다고 느끼게 만드는 요소가 아니라, 요구사항이 많아지고 더 치열해진 사회상황 때문에 나온 결과적 요인으로 보는 것이 더 적절할 것 같습니다. 때문에 busy and intensive social environment가 cause하는 것이 아니라, in the intensively competitive and busy society, people tend to be more educated than before.와 같은 내용으로 풀어내는 것이 논리상 더 자연스럽게 느껴집니다. This shows why today’s people become easily educ1052ated educated more than the past.
In conclusion, I agree that it is easier for ones to be educated todays than the past for the reasons that I have mentioned above. First, the Internet is easily available for people to get information about what they want to learn. Second, people put their efforts to develop themselves to be more intelligent and educated nowadays.
논제에 대한 나의 입장을 뒷받침하기에 타당한 근거들을 잘 생각해주셨습니다. 다만 독립형 답안은 짧은 에세이 형태의 글이기 때문에 설명과 그에 대한 논증을 위한 자료 제시가 보다 명료하게 드러나는 것이 좋습니다. 즉, 바로 예시를 들며 설명하는 것도 좋지만 body 첫부분에서 제시한 주장에 대한 개괄적인 설명을 단계적으로 보여주고(2-4문장 정도) 이후 실제로 그 설명을 적용할 수 있는 사례를 보여준다면 더 정돈된 느낌의 글을 만들 수 있습니다. 단어들 역시 같은 단어의 반복적인 사용 대신 다양한 단어를 활용해서 글을 구성해준다면 좋겠습니다^^ '과거'의 뜻을 가질 경우 the past로 표현하는 것도 유의해주세요. 코멘트 참고하셔서 내용 수정보완해주시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!