▶ Your Answer :
There are various ideas whether
it is useful that parents have to oversee their children's mistakes. Some
people may argue that being helped by parent to correct
mistakes not making mistakes will be
very helpful (when children live their life).
However, I have a different idea. I think that children can be educated from
their faults by realizing themselves not by parents who help them right
away when their parents do not check their mistakes.
Intro 에서는 글의 내용이 “실수를 많이 하는 것이 좋으냐 아니냐”
라는 주제로 쓴 것이라는 느낌이 드는 반면 이어지는 body 에서는 실수를 한다는 전제하에 “실수할때마다 부모님이 바로 고쳐주는 것이 좋으냐, 아니면 아이들 스스로 깨닫는 것이 좋으냐”
라는 주제에 대한 글이라는 생각이 듭니다. Intro 의 방향과 단어선택을 조금 수정하실 필요가 있습니다.
Parents do not have to help their children when they
make mistakes because learning something through their faults can help young
children not do same mistakes again. In other words, today's life
in competitive corporation life usually tend to forgive
people who make faults in their fields first but those who repeat similar
mistakes will be likely to be forced out from their part or company. This means
that young children who make a number of mistakes have more possibility to
adapt to their organization well when they work at society later. For example, when I worked Hyundai-Kia
motors, my boss forced had my
colleague repeating faults to transfer to other
department compulsory. In this sense, parents should help their children to
acquire capacity absorbing from mistakes because children can remember
themselves what they went wrong once.
Children tend to make passive decisions on what
they need to do when their parents control them not to make faults about a
school life or something. (This is a reason why parents
have to provide their children with chance to learn from their mistakes.)
Putting it differently, today's development of
technology has made them not be willing to find their own problems because
many things have come to them too conveniently. (자신의 문제를 발견하는 것과/
many things have come to them too conveniently 하는 것의 관계성이 떨어진다는 생각이 듭니다. 뒤에서는 인터넷 쇼핑에 대해 언급하시는 데 이것 또한 자신의 문제를 발견하는 것과 어떤 연관이 있나 궁금합니다.) What
I mean here is that automated systems of modern society have made everything
comfortable and many people are not willing to take active actions for their
problems. For instance, today's the Internet shopping mall can bring what we
buy there to our house immediately. Therefore
it can be said that parents should give them many chance to make mistakes
because the ability to make active decisions can be obtained
when they can be aware of their problems themselves through doing faults in
many fields.
이 문단에서는 주장하는 바와 근거가 잘 어울리지 않는다는 생각이 듭니다.
아이들의 결정력 혹은 판단력이 흐려졌다는 내용과 실수할 때마다 아이들이 스스로 깨닫는 것의 관계성이 제대로 드러나지 않은 것 같은데, 조금 더
clear 하게 쓰시면 좋겠습니다 J
In conclusion, children can learn many things from their
mistakes when parents do not control them. It is because first,
they do not commit same mistakes(.) and Second,
they can have capacity to make positive and active decisions in many fields.
수고하셨습니다~ |