▶ Your Answer :
Last week, I read a news article which said that a big factory will be built near my hometown is going to create a big factory. But Furthermore, I do not like this plan because it can cause a lot of wrong things in my hometown. This is because pollution, traffic congestion and noise, which are caused by factory, will give harmful effects on the environment The big reasons are that factory would damage they can change the environment of my hometown due to by pollution, traffic and noise.
Intro 에서 소개하신 순서대로 문단 작성해주세요. 처음에는 pollution 그 다음에는 traffic congestion 그리고 나서 noise 에 대한 문단으로 작성해주세요.
In my case, 본인이 small city 에 산다는 것은 굳이 말하지 않아도 됩니다. 이보다는 자신의 첫번째 이유를 써주시고 그 다음 문장에는 왜 그렇게 생각하는지를 써주세요. I am living in a small city so I live very quietly without noise and this makes me so comfortable. Furthermore, I am not the only one, my entire neighborhood love our hometown like that. But if a factory comes to near my hometown, it causes a lot of noises. This would be so uncomfortable to our life because we are accustomed to live in quiet place living in a quiet city. 인트로에서는 소음이 자연에 악영향을 미치기 때문에 공장이 들어서는 것에 반대한다고 서술하신 것 아닌가요? 소음이 자연에 미치는 영향은 하나도 없네요? Obviously, the majority of my neighborhood would not like it. But we would not chase out them, if they are working legally.
Another reason is pollution. If the factory uses the machine to create their product, it can harm the air and the water of the environment. (ß 이것에 대한 예를 쓰셔야 해요~ 뒤에 나오는 my hometown 에서 atmosphere 를 지키기 위해 어떻게 했는지에 대한 예보다는 어떻게 공장이 환경오염에 영향을 미치는지 등을 구체적으로 보여주시는 것이 더 중요해요.) My hometown has never polluted because we always try to care our atmosphere. For example, we do not drive a car if we go somewhere near to our city and we do not smoke outside of the city. But will factory’s worker respect our rule? (academic writing 에서는 질문형 쓰지 않도록 해주세요)
On the other hand, I really fear about traffic. Obviously, there would be a lot of employees in the factory so that there would a lot of traffic. Moreover, this means that we need to add more parking spaces(,) because in my hometown there are only few spaces. (주차공간에 대한 언급을 하시려면 이것과 traffic congestion/traffic jam 과 연결시키셔야해요~) I believe that we would be so competitive with the factory’s employees. (?) That So, both of them and us would be so stressful about this situation.
To sum up, I do not want factory to be built in my hometown to believe that news, because it can cause three main problems on the environment of our atmospher that which are pollution, lack of parking space and noise. In addition, I really love my hometown so that I do not want that it will be changed.
글 내용만 중심으로 보았습니다. 아직 구조적인 면에서 잡혀지지 않은 것이 많은 것 같으니 다른 글들 참고하시어서 글 구조를 어떻게 하는 것인지를 공부하시는 것이 필요할 것 같습니다. 또한 I 의 사용이 너무 많으니 일반화해서 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고하셨습니다! |