Some people enjoy difficult and challenging jobs at work or school while some like to do easy job.
I disagree that with the statement that some people enjoy difficult and challenging jobs at work or school while some like to do easy jobs for the following two reasons.
Firstly, difficult experiences help people to get a better job. Additionally, in addition, people who work hard can be compensated highly.
Most of all, difficult and challenging works lead people to get a better job (how?)
In today, there are a substantial number of complicated works/tasks which/that are hard to manage.
Naturally, companies prefer applicant well experienced and qualified workers/employees who are experienced and qualified and, thus, apply? the strict such high standard in recruitments.
Challenging experiences lead people to improve their practical skills and gives chances to get a better job.
(첫 문단의 주장은 잘 써주셨는데, 조금 막연한 주장입니다. "어떻게"가 설명되어있지 않네요. 바로 example로 들어갔는데, 막연해 보일 수 있는 주장을 뒷바침 해줄수 있는 다른 evidence 가 필요합니다. 예제도 주장같이 보이는데, 확실하지 않아도 어떤 회사 이름을 댄다던지, 주변사람의 experience 를 설명해 준다던지.. 이렇게 최대한 specific 하게 설명하는게 좋아요!^^
그리고, 불필요하게 문장이 늘어진 경우가 있었는데, people who are experienced 라고 쓰는것 보다는 그냥 줄여서 experienced people 이라고 써주는게 좋습니다.
제가 빨간색으로 고친 부분은 복수/단수+동사 문법 실수인데요, 문장이 길어지는 경우에 생기는 실수니까 꼭 주의해 주세요! gives 가 아니라 give 입니다.)
According to a study conducted by the Korean Static Bureau, most of surveyed employed people employees indicated that their key to success was knowledge and skills which were learned acquired through hard experiences. Indeed, their hard experiences at school and work impressed their companies’ CEO, when they applied the company. They also mentioned that they could have made good relationships with their co-workers through difficult experience.
In this sense, difficult and challenging works lead people to improve their competitiveness and thus help them get a better job.
(이 문단은 위의 바디1에 합쳐져야 하는 내용인가요? get better job 하게 도와준다는것을 보니 같은 맥락의 문단 같은데, 문단이 길어지더라도 띄어쓰기 할 필요 없습니다! 띄어쓰기 하게되면, 다음 주장 페러가 됩니다. example 이 두개인 것은 좋습니다:) 그렇지만, example은 어디까지나 주장을 뒷바침 하는 부수적인 부분이지, 절대 주장이 될 수 없다는 점 꼭 기억해두세요!^^ 합쳐 봤을때 글쓴이의 주장은 약 두 문장이 되는데, 약간은 부족한 부분입니다.)
Furthermore, people who work hard can receive high reward. Some people say that, by doing easy job, people can relieve stress and work more efficiently when doing easy jobs/tasks. In general, refreshing time is important because it ensures efficient work.
However, in these days’ society, easy work cannot be paid well jobs are not well paid.
Take my sister as an example.
After graduate she finished university, she got a job related to computer management. The work she had to do was just turning the computer on in the company.
At the first time she got this job. When she was just hired, She was really happy since it was too easy and she did not need to have stress it was never stressful.
However, after two years, compared to her friends, her payment was too low. Also, from this job, she could not learn anything.
This case showsed that easy work is not always advantageous.
(example은 좋지만 문장을 길게 늘어뜨리는것을 고쳐주세요^^! 무조건 who, which 를 써서 문장 두개를 연결하려하지 마시고, 고칠수 있는 문장은 최대한 짧고 간결하게 써주세요. 문장이 너무 길거나 불필요하면 run-on 문장이 됩니다. 또 제가 밑줄친 부분은 불필요하나, 넣으려면 그 job 으로부터 employee들이 무엇을 배워야 하는지 꼭 설명해주셔야 합니다)
Therefore, people enjoy difficult and challenging jobs at work or school.
(쓰다보니 에세이 자체가 사람들이 enjoy 한다는 것이 아니라, 사람들은 stressful jobs를 찾아야 한다. 라는 주장인것 같아요. 마지막 conclusion 만 intro 와 일맥상통할 뿐, 바디 페러들은 약간 다른 주장을 하고있는데, 글을 쓰면서 항상 주제가 뭔지 생각하셔야해요. 나도모르게 다른 문장을 쓰고있는경우가 많으니.
example을 쓸 때에도 적절한 예제인지 꼭 생각해 주시구요!:)
그리고 가장 기본적인것은 에세이는 보통 인트로, 바디1, 바디2, (바디3), conclusion 으로 구분됩니다.
토플에서 요구하는 에세이는 많아야 다섯 문단입니다. 그러니까 이 구조를 꼭기억하세요^^
한 문단 안에서도 계속 엔터를 치는경우가 많은데, 이런부분 고쳐주세요. 엔터를 치게되면 다음 문단으로 넘어가게됩니다! 실수하시면 안돼요^^!
열심히 하세요 화이팅!
독학이다 보니 어떻게 개선해야 될지 감이 안잡히네요.
꼭 좀 부탁좀 드리겠습니다.!