▶ Your Answer :
It is often said that the
best way to truly relax and reduce stress is to spend time alone. However, I
disagree with the statement. I think that being with others is much better way
to relieve stress for the following two reasons. First, we can reduce our
stress through communication with others. Second, we would get pleasure and
enjoyment as being together. Some may oppose to the
opinion, but first it assures that communication with others have a great effect
on reducing our stress. Generally, many people say that sadness can be divided. I think it is also
valid for stress. As we talk to others about our problem, they can relate to us
and even feel sad together. In other words, we can share our emotion with them,
and this would help us get rid of they would
take our stress. According to the recent research, many have agreed that
they have benefited from talking their story to friends when they got stressed
out. In addition, a well-known professor of Seoul National University in this
field published an editorial in his study and as a result, his study supported
my view. The survey claims that 75 percent of participants preferred having
time with others when they were under the stress.
This is because they could relieve their stress through sharing their story and
emotion. Also, the professor said that communication is one of the most
effective ways to resolve stress because it makes the stress divided into
several people by being sympathized. On top of that, spending
time together would also give so much pleasure and enjoyment that people can
forget about their bad things and relieve their stress. It may not be favored
by the majority of our society, but we cannot deny the fact that people would
get fun and happiness as they hang out with others. Also, it makes them forget
about what they did before. Additionally, their brain responds to their joy and
releases some helpful
hormones that affect to their emotion. For example, when I was young, I
failed my exam. So, I felt sad. At that time, one of my friends called me to
play soccer, and I did. As playing soccer with friends, I got into the game.
So, I could erase bad things in my head. I felt fun and could be happy even
after finishing the game. With this experience, I realized that spending
enjoyable time with friends was very good way to relieve stress. To conclude, I strongly
argue that my standpoints of the two reasons are sufficiently convincing. The
first is that having conversation with others is more effective way to relieve
our stress that being alone. The second is that our stress can be relaxed by
pleasure that others give us. In this regard, I believe that it is much better
to get together than to be alone in order to relieve stress.
채점기준표
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Grammar
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Contents
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Example
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Coherence
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점수
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4
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4
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3
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3
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Score
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Good 22-24
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어법적인 면이나 구성적으로나 잘 쓰신 편이에요. 다만 표현기법들이 다소 한국적인 쓰임이 많으신 편이에요. 예를 들면 sadness
can be divided 라는 awkward한 부분을 제외하고 “Sharing sadness halves it while sharing happiness
doubles it “ 기쁨을 나누면 행복이 배가 되고 슬픔을 나누면 반으로 줄어든다의 속담을 인용하거나 shard sadness becomes halved로 일반 문장으로 표현하셔도 됩니다. 두번째 예시의 helpful hormone 역시 broad하게 표현하는 것이 아니라 기쁠때 혹은 웃을 때 생기는 호르몬인 Endorphin을 자세히 언급해서 말해준다면 에세이가 더professional 하고 persuasive 해질 수 있을 것 같네요.
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