> > 2010-03-29 03:07:31, '' 님이 쓰신 글입니다. ↓
■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer | |
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Up to now, there have been many different kinds of arguments for death-penalty. Most advocates say that all of those who trespass on person’s property for the purpose of illegal profits or momentary desire must disappear in our lives.(:이문장에서는 재산을 부당하게 가로채는 사람들은 데쓰패널티를 받아야 한다고 써있는데 이것보단 사람의 목숨을 위협하거나 심각한 상해 혹은 죽음을 이르게 한사람은 데쓰패널티를 받아야한다고 써주세요^^) On the other hand, some opponents for the death penalty claim that to restrict criminals’ freedom is to force them to forsake even fundamental rights. (:이건 반대하는 사람들의 의견이 아니라 데쓰패널티 찬성하는 사람들의 의견아닌가요?)I have considered about a capital punishment and as a result, I came to a conclusion that all criminals must vanish from the world.
:인트로에서 바디의 내용을 살짝 암시해주세요 ~
Just about a year ago, I regarded a lot of criminals as valuable people, who could even be respectable if they regret their wrong behaviors. However, when I watched TV in Korea, I was aware of unfortunate consequences of what a malicious crime does in one’s life. The accused was sentenced to 10 years with opening his detailed information to the public, said Mr. Park, a reporter, advocate for death-penalty. He added, “After 10 years, the victim of his vicious act will be exposed to such dangerous situations once more and she might have to tremble with recurrent remindful images of him. Above all, she will just be 22 years old.” At this point, I suddenly realized that 10 years are never long enough and I thought that his corrupt routine has made at the expense of a large number of people’s lives.
:예제를 쓰시기 전에 main statement를 꼭써주세요- !
Nevertheless,(상관관계가 약간 안맞는듯해요. Unfortunately등으로 써주세요) most violent crime is increasing each year and the statistics show us substantial amount of factors of ruin. I think that the government should not only efficiently make an effort to prevent people from various factors of crimes, which would vastly affect people’s lives, but should be concerned about many of those who are in adverse circumstances to protect against corruption of human character. 정확히 무슨뜻으로 쓰신건지 리플달아주세요 ~ | |
제가 봤을때 약간 헷갈리는 문장은 있으나 뜻이 괜찮아 그냥 냅뒀습니다.
영어 잘하시는분들 토플 첨삭한다는뜻에서 봐주시지마시고, 한사람을 가르쳐주신다는 관점으로 댓글부탁드립니다.
**Overall
문법과 문장이 매우 훌륭합니다. 1-1-1구조로 쓰셨는데 토플에서는 여러가지 이유를 제시하는 것을 선호하니 이유를 더 들어주세요.
바디를 두개 이상 쓰시고, 예제를 살짝 간추려서 써주세요.
그리고 인트로와 컨클루에서 주제내용을 암시/요약해서 다시 써주세요. 반복적인거 같더라도 paraphrase해서 꼭 써주세요. (새로운 내용, 결론 보다는 바디에서 주장한 것을 써주는 것이..)
토플라이팅에서는 감성적인 이야기보다는 Straightfoward하고 객관적인 글을 써주시면 더욱 좋습니다 ^^ Reasoning이 아주 중요합니다.