▶ Your Answer : Some people believed that the creativity is better than the knowledge from study for success at school. However, I strongly convinced (convince라는 단어보다 believe think등의 자기 의견을 명시하는 단어가 더 나은거 같습니다) that it is better to have knowledge to succeed. The concepts of a job and motivation clearly show this opinion.
To begin with, developing knowledge is helpful for our career. This is mainly because unlike having ingenious thought, if we use our knowledge in life such as getting great grade and communicating with other people. (이것이 뭐에 연결되는지 설명이 안되어있습니다.) Of course, the creativity helpful for helps us but it is related to talent. However, knowledge is related to endeavor and diligence. So it is difficult to us for us to get creativity. Also knowledge can develop the expertise. Moreover, as modern society has become increasingly specialized and today's companies are looking for employees having such ability. (논지가 빈약합니다 왜 회사들이 이러한 능력을 추구하는 지 더 구체적으로 설명이 필요합니다) Therefore, these are important to fight for jobs in highly competitive labor markets. For example, my father, a boss of a company in Korea, often tells me that the job interview is most important component in employing people, taking up more than 70percent of the final call. My father and other interviewers mainly looked at the applicants' knowledge and their expertise. This means that concentrating on one's knowledge is a sure way for people, especially students to prepare for the future.
In addition, having knowledge can increase one's motivation. This is due to the fact that, in contrast to focuing on originality, if we try to develop knowledge we will more likely to get the impetus to get ahead of the curve. Therefore, we will be more likely to get knowledge quickly. This can be a facilitator which motivates us. With such motivation, we will make a lot of effort, concentrating more on their work and feel more responsible for their tasks. Therefore, this can bring about better outcomes at school. For instance, my brother, an undergraduate, used to be very negligent and lost interest in his studying. However, since he participated in volunteer program of education, he has changed little by little The reason was that he realized a sense of achievement and confidence by educating the children and acquiring a variety of knowledge that he have not before. On top of that he began to spend more time studying and follow instructions well. If he had not participated in volunteer work, he would be still irresponsible in life.
In conclusion, it seems to me that we should focus on our knowledge. The reason was that knowledge enables us to develop job's skill and motivate us. Good: 24~30 점수: 24 바디 2에서는 문제가 없었지만 바디 1 에서 좀더 명확하고 구체적인 설명들이 필요할 거 같습니다. 독립형 에세이에서는 본인의 의견도 중요하지만, 의견과 이유들 보다는 이유들에 구체적 설명이 들어가야 왜 본인이 그런 의견을 생각하는 지를 좀 더 자세히 설명해 줄 수 있을 꺼 같습니다. 몇몇의 문법적 오류가 있었지만 에세이 flow를 방해하지는 않았습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |