▶ Your Answer : Some people think that moving to a new places is not a good idea because of the possibility of losing their friends. However, I disagree with them for the reasons that the following reasons; moving does not always mean the loss of companions and gives giving people to build a network with others from various cultures. To begin with, moving does not account for not having a relationship with old friends. That is, even though you people (에세이 형태에서는 you 사용 x) move to an another city, you can keep in touch with your old friends and although you live close with them, you can be negligent with each other(run on sentence). For example, there was a poll conducted by Doruk, the director of Gallup organization, with 200 university students as respondents. The purpose of the survey was to demonstrate the consensus view about upon the importance of the years they had spent with their friends. The majority of them responded that when it comes to friendship, the length of year actually does not matter. An overwhelming 60% had claimed that their current best friends are one of them they first met at university. This is because that their old friends such as the ones in elementary school do not have the same interests now and there are even more themes to talk about with their new friends. This proves that because people can meet their life partners even in new atmosphere, losing old friends by moving does not always mean unjustifiable. On top of that, people can meet a variety of people by moving place to place. If I have lived in one place for about 30 years, most of the friends around me have almost the same growing background. In contrast, there is a chance of communicating with people from different cultures provided that I move to another city. For instance, I had to move because of my father's job, soldier. Because he must move about once two years, there was no choice but to move with all of my family members. At first, my parents worried that I would be isolated and could not adapt with new friends. However, unlike their concerns, I was very excited to meet them and could talk about previous places I had lived since then. As a result, I have a diverse friends all around the cities and I think that it was the best experience I had because it expanded my point of view. Moving to new spaces is invaluable to the extent that some people even could not imagine. To sum up, moving does not indicate that one might lose their old friends and gives an opportunity of experiencing other cultures. In this regard, I strongly believe that it is a good idea to move to a novel cities even if there is a slim chance of having their friends lost. Fair: 17~23 점수: 22 전반적으로 문법적으로 틀린 부분이 많습니다. 특히 에세이를 너무 장황하게 쓴 거 같습니다. 이러한 부분들은 각각의 문장에서 잘 나타내지고 있습니다. 따라서 더 좋은 점수를 받기 위해서는 간결하게 자신의 의견을 표시하는게 더 좋을 거 같습니다. 비록 잘 쓴 에세이지만 이러한 부분 때문에 감점을 받게 되었습니다. 수고하셨습니다. |