▶ Your Answer : Keeping an eye on kids behavior for their improvement sounds plausible, but has its loopholes as well. Kids have their own lives regardless of their age, and they are advised to follow their patterns of behaviors. They should not be monitored by anybody else, even when they are with their own parents. (인트로에 적합한 구조는 아닌거 같습니다) First of all, once a kid knows that someone is observing what they are doing the child tends to care unnecessarily about the surroundings, not knowing what to do at an appropriate time about their daily routines. (더 설명이 필요한 거 같습니다, 설명이 부족하기에 어떤 뜻을 내포하려고 하는지 이해가 안됩니다) So, the kid should be the decision maker for himself, and should not depend on others' guidance for whatever they do. Of course, the parents should give the kid any necessary guidance every once in a while, but that should not be on every movement, thought or action. (에세이 구조에 맞지 않습니다 좀 더 에세이식으로 설명을 풀어나가야할 거 같습니다) In a nutshell, to keep monitoring children' behaviors will not prove effective, but only worsen their characters and personalities, as they would consider constant monitoring burdensome. Advice and guidance will turn out healthy only when they are given at a critical moment. Limited: 12~16 점수: 16 전반적으로 에세이 구조가 아닙니다. 에세이 형태로 상대방을 설득한다는 느낌이 드는게 아니라 말로 발표하는 느낌이 더 많이 듭니다. 또한 설명이 많이 부족합니다 어떤 뜻을 가지고 에세이를 풀어나갔는지에 대해 이해가 부족하게 만드는 거 같습니다. 전체적으로 에세이가 너무 간결하고 명확한 예시들이 없습니다. 이러한 부분을 참고하시길 바랍니다. 수고하셨습니다. |