▶ Your Answer : If you are an average office worker or a student, you can live your life using only transportation. You don't do not really need to use the internet as much as you need your means of transportation. In that regard, internet access is not as crucial as your commute. So, I assert that government should spend more money on improving transportation than on expanded expanding internet access. (문장들이 인트로에 적합하지 않습니다. 에세이 형태에서는 you를 사용하면 안됩니다. 특히 문장들이 너무 구어체입니다.) Over half of morning commuters on a bus have their eyes attached to their mobile phones today, but what they are actually doing with the internet service is mostly daily news, weather forecasts or entertainment news, which we can go without. (그 이후에 대한 설명이 어디있나요? 인터넷의 부정적인것을 제시하고 교통에 돈을 투자 해야하는지에 대한 설명들이 필요할 거 같습니다) What is more important is what they are riding on, either it may be a bus or a subway train. Without reading news articles or mobile games, they can still commute. However, without their means of transportation, they can either be late for school -- because they have to go there on foot -- or they can lose their jobs by making themsleves considered as a lazy employee. There might be people who argue that we cannot live without super-speed internet service at the dawn of the fourth industrial revolution, but if I have to compare which is really important between expanded internet service and public transportation, I would go for the latter. That is because it is more important and necessary for one's daily life. Limited: 12~16 점수: 15 일단 전반적으로 에세이의 구조가 아닙니다. 독립형 에세이의 구조는 인트로, 바디 결론 식인데. 일단 인트로 부터 너무 구어체입니다. 에세이 인트로 구조를 갖고 있지 않습니다. 또한 각 각 바디에서는 에세이의 바디가 아니라 그냥 본인의 의견을 나열한 듯한 느낌 이 받았습니다. 에세이 형태로 에세이를 서술해야 할 거 같습니다. 수고하셨습니다 |