▶ Your Answer :
Some
people might not have doubt (표현이 조금 부자연스럽습니다 - Some people are against the idea... 등의 표현을 대신 써주세요) that commercial advertisements around us are reliable
enough to make purchase decision making (어색한 표현입니다). However, in my point of view, most
products seem better in the ads compare to the real products, especially in
case of ability of product and safety issues. To
begin with, most goods in the general markets (정확한 의미를 알 수 없는 표현입니다) show less ability than in the
advertisements. Production company of electronic devices, house appliances and
some other products that make our life much easier release dozens of ads which
appeal to people to buy that products are stress their goods’ strong points;
durability, energy comsumption efficiency, and power. But However, most of these good
points are exaggerated. There was a poll conducted by the National University
of Seoul to find out the opinion of specific house appliance users on that
product. The great percentage of users, which was about 60 percent, answered
that they think the ability of the product was exaggerated in the ads. On
top of that, there were some safety problems on commercial products in recent
several years. Those safety issues were closely related to citizens’ health and
life, thus those events arouse a lot of anger from people. For instance, a few
years ago, there was a big news about the hazardous humidifier cleanser. Since
humidifiers are wide spread among the patients and infants, many people got
were shocked by the news. Interestingly, that humidifier cleanser was advertised as
reliable and safety product. After this event, many citizens become became skeptical
on of advertisements and they try to search information about the product that
they want to buy. To
sum up, I agree with the statement that the most ads make products seem much
better than they really are. In this regard, it is very significant to consider
the products’ ability and reliability on safety, not just thinking that
advertisements show facts.
Score: 22 Comments: - 전체적인 구조가 잘 잡혀있습니다.
- 어색한 표현들이 있습니다. - 사소한 문법 실수들이 있습니다. - But으로 문장을 시작하지 말아주세요. - 두번째 본론은 '광고'에 포커스가 조금 덜 되어있는 것 같습니다. 주제와 조금 관련이 없는듯 합니다. 광고에서는 좋아보였지만 알고보니 안전 문제가 있었다, 보다 조금 더 일반적인 케이스 위주로 봐주시면 좋겠어요, 예를 들어 포토샵이나 효과 등으로 인해 과장이 되고 있다 식으로요. - 첫번째 본론의 예시도 부적절합니다. 사람들에게 '광고에서 과장이 심한가요?'라고 물었을 때 대부분이 그렇다고 말했다, 라고 하는 것은 충분한 근거가 될 수 없습니다. - ads로 줄이지 말아주세요. 라이팅에서는 축약형/줄임말 등을 쓰지 않습니다.
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