▶ Your Answer :
Some people
think that having part-time jobs is not beneficial for teenage students. However,
in my opinion, getting part-time jobs can be helpful for teenagers. This is
because it can widen one’s human relationship.
It To begin with, it is possible to expand human network if you have a one takes part-time job. Wide human
relationship is a very crucial part in one’s life. There is a saying “It is who
you know, not what you do, that makes you succeed”. The meaning of success has completely
changed compared to in comparison to the past. If it was merely focused on one’s own way and
excelling others, now it is different. Along with your one's ability, it is crucial
to have people who can lend you a hand when you someone a hand when one is in trouble. When my sister graduated
her college, she had a hard time finding a job. She majored in art, but she has had
no interest in it. Therefore her grade was not good and there was no company
she can enter. She was really depressed about it and does did not know what to do. At
that time, she has had a part-time job at bakery for her spending money and she
worked there from when she was 18 years old. The owner of the bakery, he
recommended my sister to be a manager of the store because he thought my sister
has worked sincerely and she will manage the bakery well if she become a
manager of the shop. My sister liked working at the bakery since she thought
service field does fit for her. Had not been for the owner of the bakery, my
sister would not have been able to get a job.
To
sum up, you one can meet a precious person who can give a chance that can be very
essential when you are having a part-time job. In this regard, I think doing
part-time jobs is a great experience for teenage students. Fair: 17~23 점수: 19 일단 전체적으로 느낀것은 너무나 많은 정보를 한 단락에 다 넣으려고 하였습니다. 바디 하나로 다 서술하는 것 보다는 전반적으로 두 개 이상의 바디를 서술하시는 것이 더 좋을 거 같습니다. 비록 바디 하나로 충분하게 에세이를 서술할 수 있지만, 지금 이 에세이는 너무 장황스럽습니다 따라서 좀 더 간결하게 두 개 이상의 바디를 서술하시는 것이 좋을 거 같습니다. 또한 독립형 에세이에서는 이인칭 주어보다는 삼인칭주어를 서술하시는 것 이 더 좋습니다. 또한 과거에 대한 동사는 과거형으로 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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