▶ Your Answer : Some take
it for granted that government need needs to spend money on building new structure
than preserving historic or traditional buildings. However, contrary to in contrast to this
notion, it is clear that there are more advantages of preserving historic or
traditional buildings. I will explain this based on the following reasons. to preserve historic and traditional building for the following two subsequent reasons.
First of
all, government can get advantage by preserving historic or traditional
buildings. To be specific, those historic and traditional buildings are great tour
attractions for other foreign people around the world. So, by investigating on
preserving those buildings, government can get advantages (앞 문장들이랑 되폴이 됩니다 장점들을 어떤 것을 얻게 되는 지에 대한 구체적인 설명이 꼭 필요해 보입니다). For example, there
are many historical and traditional buildings in Kyeong-ju such as temples and
palaces. Due to its unique shapes and structures, it attracts many foreign people,
who are enthusiastic to learn about different cultures. (마무리가 아쉽습니다 이러한 부분 들 때문에 국가가 얻는 이익이 뭔지를 구체적이고 명확하게 제시할 필요가 있습니다)
Moreover,
spending money on preserving historic or traditional buildings can save people
from stress. Specifically, when government decide decides to build new structures, it causes
stress to people due to air pollution, noise attack. For instance, one of my friends
live in nearby the structure under construction. She said that every day she
can smell the gas from machines, they use for building, and hear noises from the
constructions. She was so stressful of this construction that she moved out
from her place.
In
conclusion, I disagree with the statement that it is better for the government
to spend money on building new structures than preserving historic or
traditional buildings for the reasons I mentioned above: tour attractions and surviving
from stress.
Fair: 17~23 점수: 20 일단 첫 번째 두 번째 단락 모두다 문제가 보여지는 독립형 에세이였습니다. 첫 번째 단락 같은 경우에는 장점들이 있다라고 명시해 놓고 정작 그 장점들이 구체적으로 나와 있지 않습니다. 명확하게 어떤 장점이 있는 지 알아야지 예전 것을 보존해야하는 이유를 알 수 있는데 지금 이 에세이는 이러한 부분이 부족합니다. 또한 마무리가 아쉽습니다. 마무리를 통해서 무슨 말을 전달하려고 하는 지 모르겠습니다. 이와 마찬가지로 두 번째 단락 같은 경우에는 개연성이 부족합니다. 본인의 이유가 왜 예전 것을 보존해야하는지에 대한 설명이 맞아 덜어지는 지 모를 정도로 개연성이 부족합니다. 이 부분들을 참고하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셧습니다. |