▶ Your Answer :
Everyone has goals or
objectives to achieve in the future. I personally have two purposes to want to
achieve. One thing is to get a good job and the other thing is learning English.
I will demonstrate why these two are major goals in my life. They can be
explained by following reasons. as it will be described upon the following paragraphs (일단 이 인트로에서의 문제점은 너무나도 간단하게 인트로를 풀어나가고 있습니다. 훅도 적절치 않고 바로 자신의 의견을 들어가는 것보다는 다른 사람이 꿈을 얻기 위해서 뭘 하는 건지에 대한 언급도 했으면 더 좋았을 거 같습니다)
Firstly, if I get a good
job, I will be able to make a lot of money and become successful. According to
a recent survey conducted by Seoul National University in 2017, more than 70
percent of respondents answered that they made a lot of money when they got a
nice job. They also responded that if they had not got did not get the job, they might not
have made a lot of money and become successful. Additionally, good companies
have better working environment than others. In this regard, I want to get a
good job and make my life more fulfilling.
Secondly, I would like to
learn English. It will help me to get a better job, since having an ability to
speak another language such as English is needed for some companies. For
example, Samsung, which is one of the most famous companies in Korea, requires
quite high English exam score to applicants. Therefore, if I can speak English
fluently, I can have more chances to be hired by good companies. Moreover, I
can make foreign friends by using English. I will communicate with more people
in other countries when I speak English.
In
conclusion, getting a good job and learning English are my future aims. By
reaching those goals, I can not only make a lot of money and be successful but
also get a better job and make international friends.
Fair: 17~23 점수: 22 일단 이 에세이에서의 큰 문제점은 너무 구어체 입니다. 에세이에서는 구어체 보다는 formal한 라이팅 스타일을 더 선호 합니다. 또한 지금 이 에세이의 주제는 미래를 위한 자신의 골 입니다. 하지만 지금 각 단락에서는 라이팅 스타일 때문인지는 몰라도 난 뭐 해야지 뭐해야지 라는 듯에 에세이입니다. 이렇게 서술하는 것 보다는 나의 목표는 이것이고 이것을 이루기 위해서는 이러한 노력을 하겠다 라는 구체적인 설명을 통해서 자신의 목적을 어떻게 이룰 것인지에 대한 설명 또한 들어가야할 거 같습니다. 이 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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