▶ Your Answer :
Undoubtedly,
university’s spending plays a significant role in people’s daily lives in many
of the places where they work or play. Some people think Universities should spend more money on
student’s club activities such as helping build building houses for homeless or
assisting the elderly people, while others think that helping young children
with their study is the most effective way of spending differently. If I were asked
to choose one, I would say supporting a club that helps primary school students
with reading and mathematics is best way of spending their money. There are
several reasons as follows. for the following subsequent reasons.
To
begin with, young children who can get help from university students in
studying academic subjects like reading and mathematics are more likely to
success can succeed more in life by cultivating important qualities. This activity requires primary
school students to be diligent, passionate, and self-disciplined. When these
personal traits are well developed, it is likely to bring a brings about a better result in
their lives (better result가 무엇인지를 구체적으로 설명할 필요가 있어 보입니다). For example, my younger brother did poorly in primary school. He
got distracted easily, procrastinated, and acted on impulse. Especially, he often
flunked reading, and mathematics classes. However, he has changed little by
little after having a mentoring with nearby university student named John who
was majoring in mathematics. Recently
that university actively sponsored the mentoring club which provide mentoring
program for nearby primary school students. John taught my brother not
only mathematics, but also way to study efficiently and establish good traits. Thanks
for mentoring he taken Due to his mentoring, he can maintain good behaviors by raising his grades in
primary school. Moreover, he showed a characteristic of a longer attention
span, a stronger passion in his tasks, and a better ability to delay
self-gratification. After he went to high school, he can excel all throughout
high school and got straight A’s in his classes. If that university spent their money on other issues,
young children who have had potential abilities like my brother would not have
been able to make such great performance.
All
things considered, I strongly believe that the advantages of spending money on
helping children with their academic subject far outweigh those of helping mature adults for
the reasons I have mentioned above.
Fair: 17~23 점수; 21 일단 이 에세이의 안좋은 점은 개연성입니다. 인트로에서 보면 여러 가지 이유를 통하여서 왜 대학생들 동아리들이 주변 초등학교 아이들을 도와주는 것이 중요한지에 대하여서 서술한 다는 거였는데. 단락을 보시면 한 이유만 서술되어있습니다. 이렇게 한 이유를 통하여서 자신의 의견을 전달하는 것 도 좋지만 지금 이 에세이 같은 경우에서는 한 단락에 너무나 많은 정보들이 들어갔습니다. 불필요한 정보마저도 들어갔기에. 이렇게 장황하게 서술하는 것 보다는 간결하게 자신의 의견을 가장 잘 보여 줄 수 있는 설명들을 더 하는 것이 좋을 거 같습니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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