▶ Your Answer : Certainly, parents play a vital role in people's daily lives in many of the places where they work or play. Some people might think that today, children are ruder than they were fifty years ago, while others do not. Both sides have their own reasons to support their view. However, it I were asked to choose one, I would say that children nowadays are ruder than fifty years ago. There are several reasons as follows. To begin with, today’s children are ruder than they
were fifty years ago because nowadays children and parents spend less time on
building emotional bond. As modern society is becoming rapidly specialized and
competitive, today’s job markets require job candidates with professionalism. Today’s
parents do not use much time on being with their children as they are busy
surviving in today’s competitive world. Therefore, children nowadays are likely
to act with rude attitudes. For example, when my sister was eight years old,
she saw one of her classmates from Ethiopia eating meal with his bare hand. She
felt very uncomfortable because it was her first time seeing someone like that.
She kept her distance from him and made fun of him. She talked about Ethiopia to
him rudely. However, my parents recognized such her behaviors while talking to
her. My parents deter her from saying rudely to other friends. At a result, she
did no longer say something rude. Currently, my sister has one son. When the
son was nine years old, he was selfish and rude. My sister was too busy to take
care of her son, so she could not spend much time to being with her son. It was
hard to build a strong bond with her son since she was always busy working and
earning money. Her son sometimes attempted to ask her to have some time
together, yet she often made an excuse by saying that she was too exhausted
after a long day at work. Her careless action made her son keep his distance
from her and talked to parents rudely. If she had spent much time with her son,
he would have been able to act more politely. All things considered, I strongly argue that children 50 years ago are more polite than children nowadays. The importance of education cannot be overestimated in the future.
Fair: 17~23 점수: 19 한 단락에 너무나 많은 정보를 다루려고 합니다. 독립형 에세이에 있어서 설득력이 가장 중요한데 지금 이 에세이 같은 경우는 너무 장황합니다. 너무 장황하기 때문에 에세이의 플로우 또한 방해당하고 있습니다. 물론 한 단락만 서술하는 것 도 좋긴 하지만 지금 이 에세이 처럼 너무 장황 하게 되면 한 단락으로 설명하는 것 보다는 두 개 이상의 단락을 통하여서 간결하게 자신의 의견을 전달하는 것이 좋을 거 같습니다. 이 부분을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |