▶ Your Answer :
A thought-proving current issue concerns with whether people want to be independent from their parents sooner or stay with them more longer period Different opinion exists concerning with the time when people become independent from parents(이렇게 풀어서 서술하는 훅이 더 나을 거 같습니다). Some people might say being independent as soon as possible is better. However, in my opinion, it is more beneficial to stay longer with the parents for the following subsequent reasons.
To begin with, people can save money. If people decides decide to stay out from their parent's house they need to pay for the rent, food and etc on their own they need to pay a lot of expenses(여러 가지로 설명하는 것 보다는 간결하게 이런 돈들이 나간다라고 표현하는게 좋습니다). This cost is not cheap. They need to have reliable job which can support them with the living cost to support the living cost. For example, when I was doing my second internship in oversea country. I had no choice but to live on my own. During this period I need to pay for my rent and food. After spending my money on those things, I had no money to save nor hang out with my friends. After when I finished my internship and came back home, I felt better that I was able to save my money. (좀 더 구체적인 설명이 필요한 거 같아요 왜 독립을 늦게 하는 것이 좋은 건지 어떤 상황이 본인의 생각을 바꾸게 되었는지) On top of that, people might feel lonely when they live out alone. When ever coming back to the house, people will have no one to talk to and this will make people feel down (불필요한 부연 설명입니다). However, when staying with family they will have someone to talk to. According to the study conducted by American Phycology Association, they did a survey for 5,000 people who lives live outside their parent's house and people who stays with their family. The study have discovered that people who live alone tend to feel depressed more than those of who live with their family. With this study it can be acknowledged that people feel more depressed when they stay alone. To sum up, inhabiting with families gives people more advantages in reducing living cost and preventing from falling in to depression. In this regard, I prefer to stay with my family as long as I can.
점수: 23 일단 지금 이 에세이에서 나타나는 문제점은 구체적인 설명의 부재 입니다. 각 문장들의 설명이 설명하다가 끝난 거 같다라는 느낌이 듭니다. 특히 각 단락의 예시들이 이러한 모습이 많이 보여집니다. 따라서 좀 더 구체적으로 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |