[HJ1]이런식으로 표시된건 밑을 보세요!
Celebrities often draw tremendous attention from the public. These days, people want to know their[HJ1] personal lives as much as increasing their role in the society[HJ2] . Accordingly, the mass media delves into their personal lives to satisfy people’s desires. It was already over watching[HJ3] celebrity’s outdoor work, attempting to violate even their private lives. People’s curiosity toward celebrities are[HJ4] reasonable because they are public people, but the excessive attention just suffers them(Makes them suffer 로 바꿉시다!). It is a violation of their privacy and it could be abused for bad purposes.
(Paragraph 시작할때 First of all, 이런 transition 써주셔야 해요 필수입니다)Celebrities have their own private lives same as the common people. In other words, they have rights to enjoy and keep secret their personal lives. Nevertheless, some people pry the famous people’s private affairs and they are sued. Also, they do not like becoming known their lives to other people. People see easily that they evade reporter’s questions of privacy. Occasionally Celebrities conceal themselves to enjoy their personal lives as leaving a long journey or moving to the country. However, in spite of their effort for their lives, the mass media keeps hold them. People should recognize the celebrity’s privacy.
For another reason, celebrities and their related people are suffered(are suffered 보단 그냥 their related people suffer 로 하세요) because of the mass media’s tenacious attention. Paris Hilton is one of suffered celebrities by being revealed her secret private life. She was damaged her image and it was an issue for a while. Furthermore, Britney Spears was ruined her life because of paparazzi. She was pressed at all times; therefore she has been confined to a mental hospital. Additionally, Celebrities’ relations such as their children are good items to the media. They do not care even though there is a possibility of the relatives being in trouble. For example, Micheal Jackson, a famous singer, is known that he hides his children to prevent kidnapping. These cases show that the stars are suffered from the excessive attention, and it is very dangerous.
(Sentence 시작하는거면 모를까, paragraph 시작하는데 moreover 은 조금 어색해요)Moreover, someone might use the celebrity’s privacy for a bad purpose. For instance, competitor of a celebrity might spread rumors to damage the celebrity or someone, wants to extort money, hack into a celebrity’s computer and threaten him or her. Paparazzi take pictures of their private lives and sell those pictures unrestrictedly. It causes a distorted view and false rumor to do a celebrity harm. These are unfair and contemptible action to abuse people’s interests toward the famous people.
(transition 필수!!!)Some people emphasize that celebrities are public people so people have rights to know their lives. Of course, it is not a big problem knowing their outdoor lives, but the main problem is that people abuse their rights to know and try to watch the inside of their personal places. Paparazzi watch celebrities’ every movement.
(In conclusion)The famous people, such as a movie star and a politician, look like special. It gives rise to people’s curiosity[HJ5] . That is unavoidable; however, people must know that they are also same people before they are celebrities. Whoever[HJ6] does not want to be exposed their private affair to other people[HJ7] . The celebrity’s private life must be respected.
더 자세하게 고쳐드리고 싶었는데 아희 졸리네요 ㅠㅠㅠㅠ
도움이 되셨으면 좋겠어요^^
더 궁금한점 있으시면 rosemary_4023@hotmail.com 메일!!ㅋㅋ
[HJ1]Their 가 앞에 언급된 people 을 말하는건지 celebrity 를 말하는건지 모르니까, “their” 대신에 celebrity 로 바꿔주세요
[HJ2]이거 대체로 무슨말인지 이해가 안가요… 누구의 role 을 말하는건지, 그리고 role in society 가 지금 왜 나오는지 분명하게 밝혀주세요.
[HJ3]괜찮은데, 그냥 어색해서 한번 바꿔보는건 어떨까요? The mass media reports celebrity’s outdoor work, attempting to violate the celebrities’ lives.
[HJ4]이건 문법문제입니다. Curiosity are 이라고 하지않자나요. Celebrities 때문에 are 이라고 하신거 같은데, curiosity toward celebrities is 라고 하시는게 옳은 표현입니다. 문법책 참고하세요^^
[HJ5]The famous 사람들한테 it 라뇨… They 라고 하셔야겠죠? 근데 흠.. they 라고 바꿔봐짜 they give rise to people’s curiosity 인데, sentence 가 이해가 안되네요. 차라리 The famous celebrities make people curious due to the fact that they are known to have a fancy life.
[HJ6]Whoever 보단 그냥 who
[HJ7]Who does not want to expose their private affair to other people?로 바꾸세열^^