Humans have considered the nature as a tool for comforting themselves and developed it constantly with few regulations. The earth has been hugley destroyed and it does not seem to get recovered since it has gone too far. In my opinion, human activities have only bad influences to the earth because it causes global warming, holes in the ozone layer, and extinction of some species of animals
(Thesis를 추가했어요
꼭 thesis 가 들어있어야해요~topic을 이용해서 paraphrase를 한뒤 앞으로 쓸 body를 간략하게!
1) 지구온난화 2) 오존층파괴 3) 동물멸종
그리고 원문을 보면 topic에서 조금 벗어나서 논제이탈로 감점을 받을수있어요. 아무리 문법이 맞고 글이 전문성 있다고 해도 논제이탈이 되면 엄청난 감점을 받을수있기 때문에 시작하기전에 그리고 글을 쓰면서 다시한번 주제에맞게쓰고있나 확인해보세요 ^^) Above all, the Earth is getting warmer and warmer as a result of greenhouse effect caused by excessive carbon dioxide emission. Basically, carbon dioxide does exist in the atmosphere; however, too much carbon dioxide is emitted from cars, factories and other several sources caused by human activities. This traps all the heat from the sun in Earth; thus the temperature gets higher every year. Consequently, many catastrophes occurred. For example, the glaciers are melting in Antarctica. This has raised the sea level which maked the land smaller. There are even island countries which disappeared because of this phenomenon. Similarily, greenhouse effect has accelerated desertification in many places such as Africa. These kinds of disasters can be seen as a result originated from humans’ selfishness.
(음...많은부분을 고쳤는데요. 일단 내용은 좋습니다^^ 다만 부분부분이 걸리는데
일단 관사를 많이고쳤습니다. the와 a 를 그리고 무(無)관사..를 잘구분해주시면 좋겠고
그리고 다음으로는 redundant 한 면이 조금있는데 반복되는건 과감히빼주세요~
그리고 표현상에서도 반복적인게 나오는데 예를 들어 introduction에서도 as a result가 나왔는데 또 첫번째 body에서 같은구절이 나왔잖아요? 똑같은 표현보다는 같은의미이지만 다른(위에서 저는 Consequently라고 썼습니다)expression을 써주시면 좋을것같아요^^ 단어들도 마찬가지고요 ) Furthermore, humans caused many holes on the ozone layer. Ozone layer is very important for humans and all kinds of organisms because it blocks ultraviolet rays which are very harmful to the entire world. However, human activities made many holes on ozone layer which made it lose its function. The use of refrigerators or air conditioners can be an examply. People have taken these things for granted. But it is now known that the they emit huge amount of freon gas, which hugely destroys the ozone layer. (일단 관사...다시 한번 짚을게요...
하지만 가장 곤란했던건....passage가 많이 짧아진것에서도 느낄수있겠지만 뒤에 부분은 설득력이 없는 논리라고 봅니다....우주에 나가기위해 오존층을 뚫었다는 것은....토플채점자가 보고 웃음이나올수도 있는 supporting idea자나요!!! 조금더 확실한 background로 글을 쓰시면 좋으실듯%^^) In addition, human activity has deprived the shelter for various animals. Undomesticated animals have lived in the nature for a long time, but as people incinerated the forests for agriculture and cut down woods for making products, many places for animals disappeared. Some are adapted to the new environment; however, most of them could not live in the changed places so they left that place or were extinct. For instance, the Amazon where thousands of species live has been destroyed by Brazil government. As a result, we lost many kinds of species as well as spoiled their shelters.
(아 시간이조금쪼달리네요 내일시험봐야되는데ㅠㅠ 일단 제가 여기서부터는 고치지는 않고 언급만ㅇ할게요
일단 시제에 주의해주세요 some are->most could not 같은문장에서 동시에일어나는데 시제가 다르잖아요?
그리고 위에서도 however 계속나오는데 글전체에서 however는 최대한 썼을때가 두번이에요!
음...그리고 또 관사 the Brazil government 글고 또 as a result 나왔고....마지막 문장 다시 한번 봐주시길바랄게요^^) Of course, many developments took on the Earth were the efforts of humans to live better quality of life; however, consequently, it devastated the Earth in terms of the climate change, pollution and spoiling the house of animals.
(conclusion도 직접고치진않을게요..아니못할것같네요 죄송합니다 ㅠㅠ
음...훑어보면....다시 however나온게 보이네요..^^:; 그리고...첫번째에 were from the efforts 라고 하는게
더명확할듯싶고...그리고 to live better~ 이거는 앞에 many development 랑 겹치기때문에 없애거나 앞에부분이랑 통합시켜서 같이표현하는게좋을듯싶네요. consequently로 as a result 안쓰려고하신거 들키셨구~ ㅎㅎㅎ 두번째줄 it ...whats is man~wat r u taking about man~ it이 무엇인지말해주셔야죠^
human activity 라고 말씀해주시고 그리고 Earth는 참고로 the earth 라고 표현하셔도 되구
결론을 뭔가 조금더멋있게 끝내면좋을듯!!
음 예를 하나면 들까요....음..............................
Everyone on earth live with their daily lifestyles and naturally do some activities, but unfortunately, it are those lifestyles and activities that eventually harm the habitat of human beings named Earth.
허접하지만......정성좀담았는데... 같이점수팍팍오르길!!! |