In my country, South Korea, most students wear a uniforms. Many schools require students to wear a uniforms. In my opinion, I think(in my opinion이 내의견으므로 중복) wearing a uniform is better than wearing clothes freely. It has an advantage to conceal economical economic(economical은 알뜰한~의뜻입니다.) distinctions between diverse students. Besides, the students in some schools would feel sense of belonging and are being treated as same status with as everyone else wearing a school uniform.
*마지막 문장은 문법적 오류보다도 두가지 의견이 합쳐져 있는게 문제가 됩니다: 소속감/평등함 둘중에 하나에 집중하시는게 ! -Moreover, when they wear uniforms, the students feel more attached to their schools 혹은 the students are treated with more respect.
To begin with, when students wear a uniform equally(dress in the same clothes), no one can know whether he is rich or poor. By Wearing a uniform makes students same people without their economical background, all students can go to school without anxiety about their economic background. Besides, they don’t need to concern about their jewelry and clothes.(이 문장은 중복적인 내용 같네요 ~) My high schools also ask for students to wear a same (유니폼자체가 다 같은 옷이라는 뜻이 포함되있으니 same은 안쓰셔도 되구요, same을 쓰실땐 앞에 관사 the 가 붙습니다!)uniform. As a result, students in my school are not conscious about their economical economic situation anymore even though some students have a bad situation economically.
Besides, wearing uniforms gives student an appropriate deal and it makes students belong to the school well. As the status of students is virtually low in a society, they should require dealing with proper status in a society by wearing their uniform. Some adults prone to ignore students as weakness existences in a society, but when some students walk around with wearing school uniform, adults would not disregard them and finally they would be proud of their school by feeling the sense of belonging. I also felt confidence about my school by wearing a uniform. As I always wear it, I can get a discount a cost in amusement parks, theater and so on. It will be a special perk of student.
:Too many ideas floating around. Choose one strong statement and stick to it. 어른들이 학생들을 무시한다, 교복을 입으면 어른들이 학생을 무시할 수 없게 된다. 논리의 연결고리가 빠져있는듯해요. 그리고 그 뒤부터 어른들이 무시하지 않으면 소속감을 느낀다, 나 또한 우리학교 교복에 자신감을 느낀다, 할인 혜택도 많아서 학생의 장점이 된다 이런 내용들이 갑자기 튀어나오는 느낌이 드네요 ~ 가장 설득력있는 이유 한가지를 고르시고 specific하게 설명해주세요 ^^
In conclude conclusion, it is beneficial for students to wear their uniform equally. Because it helps all students look like same students without a distinction in economical status and it grants them right treatment as a students. Finally, what I want to say to juniors is that wearing school uniform also gives lots of good memory about school they went.
:이것또한 갑자기 새로운 아이디어가 마지막에 추가되어서 논쟁과 상관없는 문장이에요 ~ 안쓰고 깔끔하게 마무리 하시는게 나을것같습니다~
**결론적으로는 좋은 아이디어가 많으신데 정리면에서 다소 부족하신거 같네요!
브레인스토밍을 하신후 글의 개요를 미리 간단히 쓰시면서 생각을 정리하시고 글쓰기를 시작하는것을 추천합니다 ~~ |