" 컴퓨터 게임이 도움이 되느냐? 마느냐?"라고 나왔다던, 지난 시험문제에대한 글입니다.
처음으로 시간 정확히 지켜서 풀어본만큼, 여러분들의 평가를 간절히 바랍니다.
친절한 첨삭 해주신다면 더할나위 없겠지만, 읽어보시고 어느정도 수준인지 일러주셔도 많은 도움이 될 듯 합니다.
부탁드립니다.!!!^^ |
Many people think that computer games have not >> do not have or have no advantages ( 부정문 만드시려고 하신거 같은데... ) any advantages for their children's development especially in physical and mental states. (사람들이 왜 이렇게 생각하는지 언급해 주세요) Although I agree with people's opinion that playing outside with friends would be more helpful for the children's future(이유가 있으면 더 좋겠네요), I believe that a computer game is beneficial to develop the children’s smartness. (서론에서 주장에 대한 이유를 간략히 언급해 주시는게 좋습니다. )
First of all, playing computer games stimulates children’s brain activities to concentrate on the game. By doing so, children can enhance their concentration ability which lead a positive effect on children’s learning capacity. To illustrate this, there are many well-developed games for helping children’s smartness such as Nintendo DS.( 집중력과 똑똑함은 별게의 문제 입니다. 일관성이 떨어집니다.) The certain program and stages on the games, Nintendo DS, encourages(주어에 and 가 들어가면 대부분 복수니 동사는 원형으로 쓰세요) children to focus their thought on the game. If they pass the stages in a row, they can get some valuable information about history and geology.(갑자기 귀중한 정보를 얻을 수 있다라고 해서 조금 이상하다 생각이 드네요. 집중력에 관한 이야기를 하시려면 집중력만 이야기 하시는게 좋을거 같네요. ) Children have chances to study the(특정 지식이 아니니 the 는 생략) knowledge as well as opportunities to raise their concentration ability.
Moreover, many computer games allow children to get along with their peers by supporting the system called a multi-play mode. Several children can enroll a certain game by using the multi-play mode with network. Since the multi-play mode is used by the network, they can (조동사가 포함되면 더 자연스럽네요. ) enjoys the game regardless of the location of peers. For example, when I was a high school student, the most popular computer game in
For the reasons I mentioned above, I definitely believe that computer games the most valuable way to stimulate student’s brain abilities and socialize with the others.
자신의 의견에 대한 이유는 잘 표현 하시지만 일관성에 있어서 조금 부족해 보입니다. 한 문단에서 한 주제를 가지고 일관성있게 주장을 전개하는 것이 좋습니다. |