(떠나신줄 알고 속상했어요~~ )
Some people believe that the Earth is being harmed (damaged) by human activity. Others feel that human activity makes the Earth a better place to live. What is your opinion? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
Nowadays, there are lots of climate changes all over the world, (world 가 going through ~ 한다고 표현하는게 더 나을것같네요^^ 뒤에 쭉 나열하신 change 는 climate change 가 아니라, climate change 로 인해서 일어나는 effect 니까요! 아니면 많은 change 중에서도 climate change 가 가장 severe 한데, 이로 인해서 ~, ~, ~ 가 생겨났다. 라고 쓰는것도 괜찮을것같아요!) such as El Niño, (실전에서는 아마 ñ 쓰지 못하실거에요! 쓸때는 그냥 El Nino 라고 하셔도 괜찮아요^^) rise of the sea level, (rise in sea level OR sea level rise) and overall global warming. (Although some people point out that human has made the Earth to be a better place to live,) I disagree with it and support the idea that (I believe that ~ 으로 써주는게 가장 간단할것 같아요^^) the earth is rather harmed and polluted, because of the recent environmental changes (궁극적으로 tech. dev. 로 인해서 env. change 가 생기고 polluted 된거니까, "tech. dev." 를 가장 큰 이유로 써주는게 좋을것같아요^^ human activity 를 써주셔야해요^^) and the ‘ultimate’ definition of the ‘better place’. (?? 무슨말인지 잘 모르겠어요^^...)
(첫번째 이유는 잘 써주셨어요~^^ tech. dev. -> env. pollution/damage -> env. changes (climate change). 순서로 써주셔야죠^^ human activity 에 대한 설명을 해주셔야죠~! human activity 가 world better 하게 만들었다 or not 이니까! 그리고 두번째 이유가.. 문장 자체가 무슨말인지 잘 모르겠어요. ultimate definition ? the better place 의 ultimate definition? ... ultimate 뜻이 어쨌다는건가요?^^.. 서론에서 이유를 설명하실때에 길게 쓸 필요는 없지만, 적어도 글쓴이가 무슨 주장을 하려는건지 정확히 파악할수 있도록 써주셔야 합니다!!^^)
Above all, as many scholars found out, the sea level rose about 1.7cm and frequency of unusual weather phenomena are keeping keep increasing. The main cause of these is evident; the continuous development by humans. (be specific) Every single parts (part) of nature are damaged is getting damaged by the human activity – air, water, and so on. In other words, human activity mainly affected these activities have derived abnormal climate changes.
(예제를 좀 더 자세하게 써주세요! <<어떤 development>> 가 ""어떤 결과"" 를 derive 했는지? 그리고 주장 자체가 specific 하지 않고 너무 짧아요..! 예를들어, co2 등의 가스 emission은 only one factor 이긴 하지만, 다른 factors 와 함께 global warming 을 cause 하고, 결과적으로 이것이 sea level 을 rise하고, 또 ~ 한다. 이런식으로 자세하게 써주시면 좋겠어요^^.
본론은 "자기 주장 + 그에대한 설명 + supporting example + 따라서 이 example이 어떻게 주장을 support 하는지" 로 되어있어야합니다^^. 한번 더 체크해주세요~!)
Furthermore, about the concept of ‘better place - Earth’, (???) there are lots of issues and debates about it. Of course, it is an obvious truth that there had been rapid – technological and industrial – development (rapid development - tech. and ind.- 라고 써주셔야해요^^ development 를 먼저!) since 19th century. However, it is hard to say that these developments made the ‘Earth’ the a better place. Humans might be able to feel that their lives have been improved and became much more convenient, comfortable, but it is not the same to with the environment and the Earth itself. Additionally, all these this ‘damaged nature’ will affect affects humans in the future ironically. (reciprocal이나 reverse 를 써주는게 좋을것같네요~!) Therefore, the Earth can never be a better place to live, both to the people and Earth itself.
In conclusion, Earth is harmed and damaged by humans development and other activities such as~ , (human activities 로 인해 world 가 better place to live 인지 아닌지 에 대한 주장을 써주세요!) because of the current global warming and overall pollution. (서론에서 썼던 구조, 형식 거의 똑같이 쓰신것같아요.. 둘 다 effect 이니까 그냥 negative effect 로 묶어서 such as global warming, ~ 이런식으로 써주세요! 그리고 두번째 이유 definition? concept? 이야기 써주셔야죠!!^^) I also hope that lots of people to focus on conserving the environment, so that Earth would be harmed no more.