Many parents believe that TV (처음은 television 으로 써주세요~! 그 다음부터 tv!!) ads (이것 또한 advertisement 으로 써주세요^^) directed to children under 5 (작은 숫자는 되도록이면 글로 표현해주세요~) have negative effects on the children. In my opinion, however, tv advertisement advertisements on TV should be allowed to target those under the age of five. (regardless of age 라고 해줘도 괜찮을것 같아요^^)
(서론에서는 자기 주장 뒤에 꼭!! 주장에 대한 이유 1,2를 간단히 mention 해주셔야 합니다^^.
그리고, 처음부터 tv, ads 라고 하지 마시고, 서론 첫 부분, 본론 첫 부분, 그리고 결론 첫 부분은 모두 television 이라고 써주세요~!)
To start with, I believe the ads would teach children how to effectively assess information given in the commercials. Many parents are concerned (show their concerns) concern about TV commercials targeted towards underaged children, as they believe that such advertisements give them wrong ideas about the products. However, I think that the earlier they learn about advertisements, (learn about ads 보다는.. learn about.. "ads 의 어떤점" ^^) the better decisions they would make in the future. For instance, when I was just three years old, (maybe.. when I was three) I always wanted to buy a Lego product for young children adverstised on TV. However, when my parents bought me one of those as a Christmas present, I was very disappointed. It wasn't like what I saw on the TV. So (so 가 굳이 필요없을것 같은데요~!) afterwards, I thought always think carefully before decide to buy finally buying something advertised on television. In a way, early commercials (commercials directed to me years ago) actually taught me a good lesson about buying things.
(예제에서 좀 더 자세하게 설명 해주셨으면 좋겠습니다^^. ad 에서 어떤식으로 보여졌는지?
그리고 사서 봤더니 광고가 realistic 하지 않더라. tv에서는 ~ 했는데, 막상 사보니 ~ 더라.
이렇게, 예를들어, fact 가 exaggerated 되어있었다던지, 사서 조심해야할 것? detail 한 부분은 advertisement 의 아주 small part 에 적혀있어서, 주의할 점을 보지 못하고 넘어가서 후회했었다. 이런식으로, 자기에게 lesson 을 준 계기가 무엇이었는지!! 꼭 적어주셔야 합니다^^!
그리고, formal essay 에서는 wasn't, can't 등은 모두 was not~, cannot~ 으로 바꿔주셔야 합니다.
또, 문장은 And, But, So 등으로 시작하지 않습니다^^. so 는 되도록이면 therefore, thus, hence 등으로 바꿔주세요~)
On top of that, TV commercials for children aged below five are can be very informative. (밑의 주장을 보니.. helpful?) Parents can understand their children better from their kid's reactions toward the commercials. For example, when I was living lived in the U.S., (u.s. 하고 콤마도 찍어주셔야죠~^^) younger cousins who were under five years old often visited my home. When they were watching TV, they reacted differently to all of the commercials, especially to the ones directed to younger children. Through their reactions, I was able to figure out their interests to some extent. This shows how informative the commercials are.
(예제에서, 그냥 다르게 반응하더라. 에서 끝내지 마시고, 그래서 결과적으로 어떤 도움을 주었는지? 에 대한 결과를 써주세요~! (사실과 다르더라도) 선물을 줄때 취향에 맞는 선물을 줄수 있었다던지..
이렇게, 그 different interest 가 어떻게 도움이 되었는지, 결과를 써주셔야 합니다^^.)
To sum up, TV commercials targeted toward children under five teaches (이 문장에서 진짜 주어는 commercials 입니다. 따라서 동사는 teach) children important lessons about purchasing products, and they can also be very informative. (앞 문장과 구조를 비슷하게 맞추는것이 좋습니다^^. teach 니까, different interests 를 알수있도록 allow 한다. ) For these reasons, I do not think that TV ads (마지막 부분에는 그냥 길게 써주세요~^^) directed to young children should be banned.
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