Opinions are divided over whether or not people can learn more through television than books. Personally, I disagree with the given statement. (whether or not~ 은 mutual 한 문장입니다. 따라서 I disagree 가 될수 없는거죠! 자기 주장을 짧게 쓰는게 더 좋을것같네요~!) First of all, by reading books, people can improve their imagination.(reading books improve ~) On top of that, people can establish their perspectives. (두 이유 모두 reading books/books 가 주어니까, 묶어서 쓰면 좋을것같네요~!^^)
(어떻게 설명하느냐에 따라 다르겠지만, imagination이 improved 된다는 것은.. learn more by reading books 에 조금은 먼 주장 같네요..!^^)
To begin with, watching television is not beneficial than reading books. (benefit 이 더 많다는 것은 이미 서론에서 imply 했죠. 우리는 books가 teach more 한다는것을 prove 해야하니까, books 가 ~ 하다. 이렇게 직접적으로 써주세요..^^ 본론 첫번째 문장은 본론에서 다룰 main idea 를 간단하고 impact 있게 써주어야 합니다. 반대 내용 (watching tv) 가 benefit 이 없다. 라고 하는것은 무의미합니다.) However, books lead us to enhance our creativity. (이 문장이 오히려 본론 첫 문장이 되어야 합니다. 그런데, enhance creativity 한다는것은 tv vs. books 에 더 어울리는 주장이지, learn a lot 에서 약간 벗어나는것 같네요..^^) While reading books, they people can imagine that they become to be the main characters and dream of that everything in books. However, televison directly show almost everything which people can envision, (콤마가 필요합니다.) such like as appearances of characters or costumes. My experience can be an example. For example, when I was in grade school, (grade school..? 대학원 - graduate school 인가요?) I read the novel. (read a novel called~ 써주시는게 좋아요.) I was fascinated by the story lines and description of characters. Later on, I watched this novel on television but, I did not watch what I imagined in this novel. (hardly fulfilled my expectation of ~ . 그리고 character 가 plot 에 concentrate 하는것을 방해했으며, 책의 character description 과 head to toe 다 달랐다.) On television program, there are strange costumes and unmatched characters that I imagined. So, I was disappointed by the TV program and felt feel losing my creativity. (creativity 가 lose 한다... 는 것은 이 문장에 조금 안어울리는 표현같습니다.) Not surprisingly, it is certain that reading books is better in providing creativity.
(creativity 를 배운다는것은 좋지만, books 가 learn more 하게 도와준다는 주장과는 좀 멀어지는.. 설명같네요. 제 생각에는 책을 읽음으로써 여러 표현방법? 을 배울수가 있다. 라고 써도 좋을것 같아요. 그에대한 additional 설명에 creativity 를 쓰는것이 좋을것같아요^^
창의력을 더 improve 할수 있다는 것은 아까도 말씀드렸듯, tv vs. books 에 대한 설명으로 맞는것 같구요.
문장은 But, And, So 등으로 시작하지 않는다는것 알아두세요~!
그리고, 작은 실수! 문법실수 모두 주의하시구요!)
Moreover, many people, TV program provided viewer with better view and insight. However, people have the chance to can erect their views by reading books. Many people feel confused by conflicting views and perspectives, (단수, 복수 모두 같이 맞춰주세요) especially about social and political issues. Also, they think that they cannot make a right decision just based on what they have learned. (이 문장의 뒷부분을 아예 뒷 문장에 끼워 넣어주세요^^. 이 문장 자체가 큰 역할을 하지 않는것 같습니다^^) Therefore, through the authors' showing unique views and opinions on those issues to viewers, readers can learn more about social and political opinions. (widen perspectives) Consider my experience as an example. For example, on the first day of my college, I met a book about economics. Economics (Economic) theories are a little dull and focus on delivering basic concepts. (이 문장도 특별한 역할을 하지 않아서 문장의 필요성이 좀 약한것같아요..^^ 뭔가 나올것 같은데 그냥 별 내용없이 끝나는듯한 느낌?) However, this book gives gave (경험의 설명. 따라서 과거형이겠죠^^!) me unimaginable perspectives and insight in economics. While reading this book continually, (continuously 입니다. 그런데, 이 문장에서 필요하지 않은 단어같네요~!) my opinions are were challenged (challenged my own opinion 도 괜찮을것 같네요~!) and could refine my thoughts and understanding. Therefore, my experience shows that reading book outweighs watching TV in enhancing our thoughts. (enhance thoughts 보다는 widen perspective 이라던가, 본론 첫부분에서 다뤘던 표현을 쓰는게 좋을것 같네요~^^)
All in all, for the reasons I mentioned above, I strongly believe that books can offer more knowledge and various opinions to viewers. (본론에서 다뤘던 이유도 모두 써주셔야죠..!! 모두 간단하게 써주셔야 합니다. 결론을 한 문장으로 끝내지 마시구요..^^;) |