The controversy has been exsisting (controversy exists 도 좋습니다~^^) over whether elective courses are benefitial for students or not. (주제는 도움이 되는가 아닌가 가 아니죠...!! 고등학생들이 과목을 정할수 있도록 해야하는가? 입니다.. 둘은 아예 다른 의미를 가집니다..!) From personal experience, I strongly feel that electives provide some advantages to students. (이 문장도..!! 아예 다른 뜻이죠..ㅠㅠ) The My two main reasons are as follows : (세미가 좋겠죠~ ; ! 그런데 이 경우에는 the two main reasons are 을 빼고, 앞 문장 students 뒤에 세미콜른 ; 을 쓰고, 바로 elective courses help ~ 하는게 좋을것같아요^^. 콜른 : 과 세미콜른 ; 사용에 주의해주세요~) electives help students plan for their careers and motivate them to show greater interests in class. (perform better?)
(뒤에 reasons 를 보니까 should allow students~ 주장에 on topic 하게 대답한것 같은데, 앞에 주장만 읽으면 오프토픽이구나.. 하고 생각할수 있습니다. 자기 주장을 좀 더 주제에 맞게 써주세요!
"고등학생이 스스로 과목을 선택할수 있도록 해야한다." 이런식으로!)
First of all, electives courses help (elective course 하면, 보통 ""선택과목"" 을 뜻합니다. 그런데, 선택과목에 대한 주제가 아니니, choosing courses 이런식으로 동명사를 사용하는게 좋을것같네요^^) students effectively plan for their career areas. An important reason is that students have valuable opportunity to can explore their talent and while taking courses that are related to their fields of interest. (imcomplete 한 문장이죠..!! 자기 field 와 관련된 course 를 들으면서. ??? 앞이나 뒤에 문장이 하나 더 있어야죠~! 아니면 and 를 빼거나!) As a result, students prepare the requirements of their career path and gain an in-depth knowledge. My sister who demonstrate (demonstrated or demonstrates?) this point didn't know which fields field best suited for her until she entered the high school. (특별히 필요하지 않은 문장입니다. 자신의 interest 를 몰랐다가, course 를 마음대로 take 할수 있는 기회를 통해 ~ 하게 되었다. 이렇게 뒤에 붙여써주세요~^^) After entering high school, she was able to take classes (수업을 들을수 있었다..?! course 를 choose 할수 있었다고 쓰는게 맞겠네요^^) because the high school allowed students to freely choose courses. was carrying out elective courses system. Then, While taking ~, and ~ classes, she discovered her passion and love for animals while taking biology and anatomy classes and , therefore, she prepared to become a veterinarian. Thanks to elective system in high school, she was able to pursue her major in animal science in college and finally became a veterinarian afer graduation.
(예제 뒤에 whole 문단에 대한 결론을 짧게 써주셔야 합니다~^^
그리고, elective system 이라고 하지 마시고, 그냥 학교가 allow students~ 이렇게 풀어서 써주세요^^!
bold 한 부분은 스펠링 실수가 있는데, 스펠링 실수 주의하시구요~ 또, formal essay 에서는 didn't, don't, can't 등을 쓰지 않습니다. 모두 did not, do not, cannot 으로 바꿔 써주셔야해요!)
Moreover, students in elective courses (students in elective ?!!) show great interest in class material. (학교가 ~한다면~ , 여기까지 쓰지 마시고, 그냥 주장만 간단히 써주세요^^!!) In support of this, a number of studies demonstrate have demonstrated that when studetns are given with the freedom of choosing classes, they have a higher level of self-motivation. (study 를 describe 하지 마시고, 주장에 대한 additional 설명을 써주세요~~!!) According to the ministry of educatin of Korea, students in electives tended to actively participate in classes than in mandatory classes. As a result, they stated that they were satisfied and learned valuable contents lessons from classes, and this fact was demonstrated in their grade.
(choosing classes 가 또 어떤식으로 self-motivation 을 boost 하는지 자세히 써주세요~!
그리고, 예제도 그냥 study 나 survey 를 쓰기 보다는.. 되도록이면 자기 경험이나 흔하지만 자세하게 쓸수있는 사례를 들어주시는게 좋습니다~! study 나 survey를 쓰면 specify 할수있는것이 기관이나 결과 밖에 없기 때문에 예전에는 어땠는데, 학교가 allow 하고나서 결과적으로 어떻게 바뀌었는지 쓰는것이 좋습니다^^.)
In conclusion, I definetly believe that elective curriculum benefits students. (이렇게 쓰지 마시고...!! high schools should allow~ 로 써주세요^^) The reasons are that not only better prepare students their career path, (better prepare 은 말이 안되죠~...) but also show great interest in class materials. (All in all, above two points are very important factors for leading students to successfully preparing their fulture in school.) |