An interesting (intriguing) research, by Life & healthcare magazine, has reported that people's average lifetime has been elongated enlongated(,)consistently(,) for more than 10 years compared to two decades ago. I think ( To be sure,) technology is one part of posts (one of the reasons) and heath-friendly life style is another to support the building of longevity. Here in this essay, I will give concrete reasons for my opinion (those) as follows.
* 밑줄 친 부분은 사실상 필요없는 부분입니다.
First and foremost, media Media channels encourage us to live healthier and thus(,) incite people to change life style. A number of TV or radio programs in media much of broadcasting programs in media ,such as TV or radio, informs us how to stay healthy (and fit) both in physically and psychollogically. They emphasize regular daily life-cycle and instruct importance of preparing nutrient diets. To be specific, Eeveryday live TV show in my country introduces which is more nutrient and what is better for the health. It changes people's mind our way of thinking into (for in such a way) that food cultures leads direct persons into to longer life (lives). Thus, information gained from those media ,which spreads into (our) society, results in longer life span living longer.
Furthermore, innovation of technology has been played a significant role on longevity. Without doubt, healthy life style is not the only factor for living longer. Other reasons are advancement of medicine(,) and government's investment for developing new remedies. 1. Reportedly some cutting-edge treatment makes people got deadly-disease such as AIDS live over 10years longer than before. For instance, my grandfather caought (so) serious cold (in) last winter, 2. it was too severe for him (an old man) to be treated in hospital that he had to be took some care in a hospital. Bbut,aftermath, he can survive with a due to helpful hand of brand-new medicine without any serious symptom(,) (with a helpful hand of brand-new medicine). Hhe is now 82 years old. A suitable cure equipped with perfect medical knowledge allows us to bear less burden and fear from diseases or injuries to influence our longevity directly.
1. Reportedly new treatment expanded patients' life for more than 10 years who got deadly disease such as AIDS.
2. too A to B 구문은 너무 A해서 B할 수 없다 라는 의미입니다. 따라서 너무 심각해서 치교받기 힘들었다 라는 표현은 too serious to be treated 하면 될 것 같네요. 문법적으로는 지워진 문장 that he had to be took some care in a hospital 에서 take 의 완료형은 taken입니다.
To conclude, It is all too easy to understand that technical development in study of medical care is one
of the beneficial factor for healthier life. Oon top of that, we can now acknowledge that informed messages highlighting ways of healthy living is another player for living longer.
*위의 paragraph 에서 언급한 too A to B 의 의미를 확인해보시고, 표현하고 싶으셨던 의미가 제대로 드러나있는지 확인해보시기 바랍니다.
문장 첫 시작은 반드시 대문자로 시작해주셔야합니다. |