It is often said that people will spend more time cooking or preparing food in twenty years (more time 을 제외한, 같은 문장의 반복은 되도록이면 피해주세요~^^ or change the whole sentence using your OWN words!) because cooking is a very fun activity and some people have it as a hobby. My view, however, is I think that the time to cook or prepare food will decrease be/get shorten (time 은 decrease 하지 않습니다. the length of time 은 decrease 할수 있습니다~^^) in the next twenty years on the grounds that people will have no time to cook or prepare food. (문장의 반복!) Moreover, the kind of the types of instant food is increasing, so the activities of cooking and preparing food will become insignificant.
(마지막 문장에서, less significant than~ 으로 쓰고, 뒤에 비교를 쓰는게 좋을것같아요~!)
To begin with, modern society is very hectic. People are impelled to do many things such as studying, working, taking care of their babies (maybe.. family?) . They necessarily need to save time for their tasks. For example, I, now, (am currently attending to~) regularly go to English academy. My English teacher in there is very strict and hard to get along with. He always gives me many assignments.(always assigns many projects to students) I usually do not have the enough time to finish the homework, which makes me eating eat simple food such as hamburger. It follows that future people people in the future would not be won’t be able to spend much time on cooking or preparing food.
(won't be 는 will not be 나 would not be 로.
그리고, 예제는 "숙제 많은 학생" 들을 represent 하지 보통 사회인이나 여러 일반인을 대표하지는 않습니다..^^ 학생들이 시간이 없어서 instant food를 먹는것은 잘 설명해 주셨어요!
같은 주장을 support 하는것이니 예제를 두개씩이나 들 필요는 없지만, 학생 예제 뒤에, "예를들어, 나의 가족도~ " 이런식으로, 간단하게 additionally, 하는식으로 써주세요~^^
그리고, SPECIFICALLY "in the next twenty years" 에 사람들이 왜, 어떻게 have no time 할지 써주셔야해요.
그냥 "in the future" 라면 좋지만, 구체적인 시간이 나왔을 경우에는 에세이에서 그 시간을 언급하는것이 좋습니다.
"in the past twenty years 동안 이만큼 발전했기 때문에 사람들이 have no time 한데, 이 발전 rate 으로 next twenty years 까지 쭉 continue 하면 ~ 될것이다." 이렇게 past 20yrs., 현재, next 20yrs. 를 비교하는 식으로 써주면 좋을것같네요^^)
Furthermore, there is a lot of instant food. (뜻이 막연하고, 바디 첫 문장인데도 큰 role 을 play 하지 않습니다. 더 effective 하고 firm 한 주장으로 바꿔주세요~) Finding easy the easier way to do something (things, stuff, whatever 등의 불확실한 표현은 쓰지 않는것이 좋습니다^^) is human’s fundamental instinct. (OR fundamental instinct of human being/mankind) These days people are inclined to use (USE food? EAT food!) instant food, because it is very simple to prepare. (OR do not require such long preparation time) to ready and they do not have to cook. An article reported in The Korea Times shows that there consumption of instant food is rapidly increasing. Compared with (compared to) 10 years ago, the number of instant food jumps at three times.(the number of people has jumped up by three percent OR the amount of production/production rate has jumped up~ ) On the contrary, consumption rate of rice is decreasing has decreased by two times as less as almost two times the initial rate. (아니면, 다른 contained food 의 consumption rate 이 doubled 했다고 표현하는것도 좋을듯 하네요!) it was. Therefore, it seems clear that there will be few people preparing food twenty years later.
(바디 페러의 첫 문장은 간결하지만 주장을 충분히 표현해야합니다.^^ 첫 문장이 바디페러의 전체적 주장을 설명한다고 보시면 돼요. 단지 instant food 가 많아서 in the next 20yrs에 사람들이 cook 하지 않을것이다. 라는 뜻이 아니니까 확실히 주장을 표현해주세요~^^ 그리고, jumped at~ 이 아니라, jumped UP BY ~ 입니다!
increased 했다면, 얼만큼 "by what percent" 를 적는것이 가장 좋다는것 꼭 기억해두셔요~!!)
To sum up, people will reduce their time to cook due to the fact that they will have many tasks to do everyday and cooking will be very hard and unnecessary activity for people to eat food. As far as cooking time is concerned, the simple way to eat food is to spread out to save their time and to ease with their life.