In our lives, we encounter lots of situations, both including what we enjoy, and what we often try to avoid and do not want to do. Although quite lots of (conservative people) maintain that we must do something although we do not want to, (이미 한번 things we do not want to do 를 썼으니, 좀더 쉽고 간단한 문장으로 바꿔주세요~^^) I disagree with this idea, because these ‘unwanted’ works are inefficient and (work efficiency 가 low 하다고 쓰는게 좋을것같아요) work negatively both to him or herself and to the others.
(마지막 문장은 무슨말인지 잘 모르겠어요^^.. 사람들은 자기가 enjoy 하지 않는것을 할필요가 없다. 왜냐하면 work negatively to themselves하기 때문에? .. 첫 이유는 잘 써주셨어요~^^
unwanted work 보다는 avoided 되거나, preferred 되지 않는 일 이라고 표현하는것도 좋을것같아요.)
Above all, doing things we do not enjoy will be not efficient. (will lessen/lower/weaken the work efficiency) As many psychologist analyzed through centuries, result the outcomes of the work depend on the worker's his or her ‘will’ to do – According to the research by the Korean government, (Korea 를 지칭하는게 아니라, "정부" 를 지칭하기 때문에 Korean 앞에 the 붙습니다^^) the forced laborers in jail tend to produce much more inefficiently, in contrast with the factory workers, who are hired officially. So, doing works which is involuntary will never be efficient. (satisfaction 을 예로 들어도 괜찮을것같네요. 또, 궁극적 주장은 should or should not do what ppl do not enjoy 이기 때문에 그 부분을 emphasize 해서 써주세요!)
(첫 문장 뒤에 주장을 좀 더 elaborate해주세요!! 바로 for example, 로 들어가지 마시고!^^ 자기 주장이 무슨 뜻인지는 다시 설명해주세요!
또, 밑줄그은 부분; forced labours 와 hired officially 는 서로 뜻이 다르기 때문에 비교할수 없는 문장입니다^^. officially hired worker 는 forced 되지 않는 worker 가 아니라, official (정식으로) hired 되지 않은 사람을 뜻합니다^^. enjoy work OR not 은 officially hired OR not 과는 무관합니다.
또, 문장은 So, But, Because, (Because of~ 는 괜찮습니다^^) And 등으로 시작할수 없습니다^^ so 는 therefore, thus, hence 등으로 바꿔주세요.)
Moreover, ‘unwanted’ works have a high tendency of working negatively (WHAT exactly does "working negatively" mean?^^) for those who directly do it and those who are affected by it. There is a representative example of a construction company in México. The CEO of this company planned about building a 30-store-department store in a short time. Despite the disagreement of the workers, he pushed it ahead. The result was devastating – just a month after finishing its construction, the critical problem was found and company had to do reconstruction. (WHY? 왜 reconstruct 해야 했나요? problem with the infrastructure of the building? did the building collapse? 또, Devastating for the company 라고 해주세요! 이런 situation 에 그냥 devastating 하면 인명피해를 뜻하는 느낌이 있습니다) (This can be understood as the case,) This example clearly shows how which the ‘unwanted’ things (works) caused cause damage both to who did it, and who were affected by it; the CEO-workers (the CEO? OR the workers?) and the customers of the department store. (the investors of the construction 도 좋을것같아요) Therefore, people should not do things they do not enjoy, because this which might may cause side effects some time.
(who directly do it~ 문장 확실하게 표현해주세요^^. 마지막에 쓰신것처럼 그냥 negative effects 가 있다고 써주셔도 괜찮아요^^ specfic 하게만 쓴다면!! 그리고, reconstruct 해야 했다는 example은 좋은데, 그 problem 이 무엇이었나요? 그 problem 이 <<어떻게>> workers 가 enjoy 하지 않았다는 점과 관련이 있나요?
example은 주장을 support 해야하니, 예제 안에서도 일을 즐기지 않아서 생겨난 problem 이라는 것을 부각시켜주세요^^. 그리고, 주장과 최대한 연관있도록 example쓰기.
bold한 부분에서 things (works) 했는데, 혹시 제가 첨삭할때 괄호를 쓰기 때문에 쓰신건가요..?^^
제가 OR 이나 괄호를 치는것은, 글쓴이에게 추가로 choice 를 주기 위함입니다..^^
"이런식으로 표현하는것도 좋습니다" 하는 뜻입니다..! formal 한 essay 에서는 그렇게 쓰지 마세요~^^
things (works) 같은 경우는 works 로 바꿔 써주시구요,
불필요하게 괄호를 쓰면, "이런표현도 있으니 좋은걸로 보고 알아서 채점하라" 라고 보여지니 안쓰는게 좋습니다~~~
or 같은 경우는 필요할때도 많아요. 이것도 "꼭" 필요할때 빼고는 되도록이면 사용하지 마세요. 특히 "표현" describe 할때!!
그냥 확실한 단어/표현 하나 써주세요. or 이나 괄호로 똑같은 표현 또 쓰지 마시고!^^)
In conclusion, I think that people do not have to do things as these kinds of works are really inefficient and have a possibility of unexpected side effects. I hope that the prior – conservative common idea could be changed that some unwanted works’ results are not as hopeful as most of the people think. |