An ongoing debate exists over whether or not the technology has improved our living environment. caused our living environment to be better place to live. Some people say that technology has a negative impact on us by making the world more sophisticated (complex 라고 적는것도 괜찮을것 같네요^^). My view, however, is that technology does more good than harm on the grounds that it makes provided (과거형이죠!) people with convenience, live more convenient and people are able to save their time as the world’s technology has developed.
(문제에서 주어진대로 동사 형태 바꿔주셔야 합니다~^^. has made/has improved 로 바꿔주세요~!!
만약 문제로 주어진 문장을 똑같이 the debate over whether~ 뒤에 붙인다면, 이 문장은 필요 없습니다^^.
하지만, own words로 rephrase 할 경우는 괜찮습니다~^^)
To begin with, modern people’s way of living becomes became more convenient than before. that of past time. It is widely accepted that those who better use the last invented implements better do not have to take physical action. do action physically. Technological tools are beneficial for to our lives. For example, most people today have carry their own cell phones around. (What if there are no cell phones in the world?) Considered my case, For example, I can not persist my living way (without a cell phone). Cell phones are only a mere an example of technology. Television, computer and so on, technological tools already have occupied our life.
(technological device 의 importance 는 설명이 되었지만, ""어떤식으로"" improved living 했는지 모르겠어요..! 셀폰을 carry around 함으로써 어떻게 우리의 삶이 improved 되었는지 써주셔야 합니다.
우리의 삶이 tech에 occupied 되었다는 예제나 주장 보다는 "어떻게 occupy 했는지" 써주셔야해요~!
예제도 마찬가지 입니다..! 주장과 관련있게 convenience 를 주 idea 로 써서, supporting evidence 를 적어주세요!)
Furthermore, we can save our time to apply technology to our lives. (tech. development 가 allows us to save our time 이라고 쓰는것이 좋겠죠^^) In general, most people usually do not go out to enjoy themselves or to transmit their words (?) to their friends. If we use computers or phones, these will be unnecessary behavior. (these 가 아니라 this 겠죠! 여기서 뜻하는 this 는 going out to ~ 일텐데, 뒤에도 those 가 있고, 이렇게되면 헷갈릴수 있으니 파트별로 specify 해주세요!^^) This is largely because those can shorten our time. get our required time shorten. A report written by The Korea Time shows that the case that people use technological tools requires less time to It takes shorter when people use tech. devices than ~. (finish their work than that people just meet people or do their work.)
(이 문단에서도 example이 조금 부족한것 같은데요..! 보편적으로 save time 한다. 라고 쓰는것 보다, 자기의 경험을 바탕으로 쓰는것이 가장 좋을것같네요^^. 이런 경우 흔하지 않나요?^^ 예를들어, 리서치 숙제가 있을때 책으로 하나하나 다 찾는것보다 인터넷 리서치 하는것이 얼마나 더 빠르고, save 한 시간만큼 얼마나 다른 work 를 할수있었는지.. 하는?^^ 왜냐하면 vague 하고 보편적인 예제 보다는 최대한 specific 한 예제가 더 supportive 하고 좋기 때문입니다^^!! 예제도 신경 써주세요~!)
To sum up, it is critical that technology has been developed for our life, which is why the time we need to do our work, such as writing report, can be shorten by using technological tools and we can feel more easy with technology than without it. So, when it comes to development of technology, it has importantly effected on our life. |