▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that having children to look after pets is the best method to teach them responsibility. while other people think that differently. Both sides may have their own reasons to support their views, If I have to choose one, I would say that looking after a pet can not be the best way for kids to raise responsibility. There are several reasons as examples as follow.
First of all, taking care of a pet is too difficult for young children. They do not know how to care for animals properly. Because they lack experience and knowledge for animal. Therefore, having a pet can be a stressful and confusing experience for children. For example, when I was an elementary school student, my father bought me a dog. And he said that I had to take care of the dog. The problem is that I was not sure if the way I took care of the dog is a right way or not. So I thought that my dog will like a chocolate like me and I gave my dog chocolate. Unfortunately, my dog eventually died after he ate chocolate. I was very shocked by that event and the occurrence did not teach me responsibility. 예시나 설명들이 주제와 연관되지 않는 다라고 생각 합니다. 지금 이 에세이의 주제는 동물을 키우는 것이 책임감을 키우는 것이냐에 대한 건데 이러한 부분과는 전혀 관련이 없는 거 같습니다. 또한 예시가 너무 극단적입니다 On top of that, there are better ways to teach children responsibility that do not involve hardship. Many animals raised as pets can carry diseases that can be harmful for human Many animals carry symptoms that harm human being. This means that children can be infected by that diseases through contact with their pets. For instance, having children do house chores is more effective way to teach the m responsibility. Because doing house chores does not require high levels of knowledge and If children have a problem, I can ask help for their parents. Moreover, as they do distributed house chores, they will be know about parent’s burden. In brief, I firmly believe that the disadvantages of caring for pets far weight its advantages for the reasons I mentioned before. All in all, the importance of safer method cannot be underestimated in procedure where children learn responsibility. Fair: 17~23 점수: 20 일단 전반적으로 설명이 많이 부족해보이는 에세이입니다. 설명이 많이 부족해보인다라는 의미가 무엇이냐면 전반적으로 이러한 설명으로 상대방을 설득 하기 위해서는 어렵다라는 것을 말하고 있습니다. 좀 더 구체적으로 주제를 서포트 할 수 잇는 설명과 이유가 필요할 거 같습니다. 지금 나온 이유와 예시들은 전혀 서포트를 못하고 있습니다. 이러한 부분에 주의를 하시기 바랍니다. 또한 문법적 오류도 있으니 제가 첨삭한 것을 보고 확인 해주시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
|