▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that traveling their own country is more beneficial. However, in my opinion, it is more important to travel abroad because traveling abroad will give new experiences that can not be gain from traveling it's own country and since the world is getting more and more globalize it is important to go travel abroad. for the following two subsequent reasons. To begin with, by traveling abroad it will enable people to gain new and more special experiences that can not be achieved by traveling it's own country. When traveling abroad people will see and experience other countries cultures and histories. This will help gain knowledge in world history and help people to be more open minded to get knowledge and become more open minded. For example, before I went to travel the world I was very conservative person. I decided to travel the world to gain more knowledge and learn about other culture. After my long journey I was able to see the world differently. I was more open minded I had no problem in facing new challenges and experiences. I gained more knowledge than before. That trip allowed me to gain numerous experiences that I would not have gained if I did not go abroad. On top of that, the world nowadays are getting more globalize globalized. It is essential to know other countries cultures and manners in order to do business with them. Traveling abroad is the best way to learn this since it will allow us to get more close to their real life and it is more easy to learn when experiencing directly. For instance, countries such as China and Japan is are well known for people to do business with. It is because that culture and manner is very different from western countries. When I was working in hotel which was located in Shanhai, China, for the first 3 months I was trained by HR, and that time I was trained how to interact with Chinese guest. I learnt mostly about manners and how I should talk with the guest. It was very different from western countries since I had to use polite words and different manners towards guests, but since I studied and traveled China for so many times it was well accomplished than people who did not. To sum up, travel allows people to gain new experience and knowledge that they can not get by traveling it's own country and the world now is globalize than ever before. In this regard, I think that it is better to travel aboard than traveling in it's own country.
fair: 17~23 점수 :22 일단 이 에세이에서 문제점은 장황함 입니다. 에세이가 전체적으로 장황하기 대문에 이 에세이를 통하여서 무슨 말을 전달하려고 하는 지 잘 모르겠습니다. 독립형 에세이에서의 생명은 설득력 인데. 지금 이 에세이 같은 경우에 있어서는 설득력이 많이 떨어집니다. 장황하게 에세이를 이어나가려고 하는 것 보다는 간결하게 자신의 의견을 전달하는 것이 독립형 에세이에서는 가장 중요합니다. 이 부분을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셧습니다. |