▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that spending time with family is more significant than being at work, while other people think that differently. Both sides may have their own reasons to support their own views, If I have to choose one, I would say that taking time for family is more imperative than ever before. There are several reasons and example as follow.
First of all, people get more joy from spending time with their families people can enjoy more when spending with families. This is because, family time is usually fun and relaxing, whereas work can often be stressful spending with family is usually fun and relaxing unlike the stressful environment of work. According to a study conducted by researchers, must of the people most people strongly prefer to taking take time with their families than working on their jobs when asked about which brought most satisfaction to their lives between being with their family and being at work. To be specific, 80 percent answered that they want to spend time with their family, while 20 percent answered that they want to spend time at work.
On top of that, it is essential that kids receive more guidance form parents kids receive more guidance from their parents. These days, children are increasingly raised by has increasingly been raised from child care centers and schools, so parents have much less time to teach their children. One of the reasons is that parents puts put more focus on their occupations. According to a study conducted by researchers showed that the lack of parental guidance is a major obstacle in teaching disciplinary rules. One researcher participated in that study argued that parent rarely interact with their kids because they are so busy due to job requirement. This means that parents do not educate children about proper manners and how to act in society. In brief, I firmly believe that the advantages of being with family far weigh its disadvantages for the reasons I have mentioned before. All in all, the importance of spending time with family cannot be underestimated in making one’s life happy. Fair: 17~23 점수: 23 전체적인 내용면에 있어서는 아주 잘 서술하였습니다. 독립형 에세이에서 가장 중요한 부분은 본인의 에세이를 통해서 다른 사람을 설득 할 수 있는 가 입니다. 지금 이 에세이는 이러한 면에서 아주 잘 충족시키고 있는 거 같습니다. 하지만 문제가 되는 것은 문법적 오류들이 많습니다. 문법적 오류들과 어법상 맞지 않는 것이 있기 때문에 제가 첨삭 한 것을 보고 확인 하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |