When it comes to delivering someone's complaint in
one-to-one or an organization, some people argue that it is ideal to
complain in a letter rather than in person. However, I definitely
believe that people should address their uncomfortable matters by
communicating face-to-face. (왜 some people 은 그렇게 생각하는지? intro를 좀더 general 하게 열어두게 시작하는것도 좋습니다 )This is not only
because by doing so, people are better able to deliver their
message more accurately without misunderstanding, but also because this
helps people to save their time in that it takes a shorter time to solve the
problems than in writing.
First of all, it is a great idea to express unpleasant things to other people in person. This is due to the fact that when communicating face-to-face, people are more likely to reduce misunderstanding because they can use facial expressions, speech tones and body languages. To illustrate this point, when I was a university student majoring in electrical engineering, I was at odds with one of my best friends while talking about doing something. ( 이부분 불분명 합니다 문장 정리 부탁 드려요. 간략하게 핵심을 )After the conflict, in order to solve the matter, I tried to send an e-mail that explained the reasons why I upset and felt bad in the monotonous and clam sentences. However, against my expectation, she never relieved her mind. In fact, she misunderstood my sincerity because she didn't feel any apology in my writing. Later, after we attempted to meet and disclose what we have in mind, we again recovered our relationship. This was because we were able to convey feeling more frankly and truthfully by representing our body motions, tone of voice and facial expressions that reveal internal mind. ( 예시 는 좋으나 예시 후 예시를 정리 할 수 있는 무언가 , 빨간부분 같은 sum-up구문에 포인트를 더 주세요.)
Secondly, complaining in person is
necessary and effective because it gives people a great opportunity
to save a substantial amount of time??.( 이유가 적절하진 않습니다. email 로 complain하는것이 더 시간을 아낄 수 있다고 생각하는 사람도 있겠지요? 좀
더 적절한 예를 필요로 합니다. 시간보다는 효과가
더 좋다 라는 표현으로 첫 문장을 표현하는건 어떨지요?) This is largely because
they don't need to wait for the response of their complaints and this will
have an influence on the improvement immediately. For instance,
recently one study of companies in United States released recently showed
that a majority of the companies had a systematic and efficient policy
of allowing employees to emit their uncomfortable issues while in a regular
meeting once a month. The workers in these companies had great chances
to utter irrational and ineffective aspects about
the company or superior and this resulted in the fast treatment
and measures on the matter released by employees. (이 구문 좋습니다 )Also, the study revealed that most
employers and employees had a sense of satisfaction with this system because
they are more able to perform their best in the quickly improved environment.
This clearly indicates that telling their problems directly is a more
expedient and effective way because of the saved time for resolving the
troubles.
To summarize, people should be able to complain their negative minds, opinions and any matter by delivering face-to-face because this makes people decrease their misunderstanding as well as solve the matters more efficiently. ( 너무 쌩뚱맞게 conclusion 을 끝냅니다. body 1,2 를 sum-up할 수 있어야 합니다. 그리고 topic를 다시 한번 포인트해줘야 하구요. conclusion 더 연습 부탁드립니다)
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (16–20)
-intro,body 아주 좋습니다. 하지만
더 적절한 예시 ( 특히 두번째 부분 ) 좀 더 설득력
있는 body 2를 기대해 봅니다.
수고 하셨어요 !