▶ Your Answer :
Today, many Korean students are struggling
to get high scores on math, science and language in order to live successful life.
As the matter of time, many high school alter their curriculum to that
consisting of much portion of these subjects. Some people are claiming that to
study only few kinds of subject is not helpful for students and that schools
should have mandatory courses of music and art. And I believe that these two
subjects is very beneficial for students and that they need to be mandatory in the
curriculum of all high schools. (문장들을 너무 장황하게 풀어나간 거 같습니다. 좀 더 간결하고 명확하게 문장을 서술하는것이 더 좋을 거 같습니다)
To begin with, in modern society,
creativity is regarded as important as any other abilities like the ability to
think in logical way. Even in universities, many courses for collaboration
among engineering subjects and art have been established. In case of our
university, there are three of graduate courses of collaboration between mechanical
engineering and art. The number of student who want to enroll to these courses has
been increased every year. By this example, we could realize that the recent
trend in our society is the collaboration among art and others. (미술과 음악 수업이 꼭 필요하다에 대한 에세이이지 교차 수업에 대한 얘기 입니다. 왜 음악과 미술이 중요한지에 대한 설명이 더 나았을 거 같습니다)
As another reason, art and music can relief relieve children’s stress significantly. According to a research conducted by Korean Institute
of Education and Technology (KIET), activities related to these subjects can
reduce student’s stress very well. They point out that the students who play
some instrument or draw paints is more likely to concentrate on their own
tasks, and it has a positive effect on reducing stress of them. (어떠한 방법으로 스트레스를 줄이게 되는지에 대한 설명이 필요할 거 같아요)
In conclusion, many school tend to reduce
time for art and music subject in recent for achievement of student in other
subjects. However, there are obvious reasons why art and music should be mandatory
subjects in the curriculum. It is not only required as source of creativity,
but also able to make students’ life better. Fair: 17~23 점수: 18 일단 첫 번째 바디의 예시는 주제와 많이 벗어났습니다. 주제와 연관성이 없는 예시기 때문에 점수가 많이 깍였습니다. 두 번째 바디에서는 좀 더 구체적인 설명이 필요할 거 같아요. 명확한 설명이 있어야만 이해를 할 수 잇을 거 같습니다. 이것 이외에는 문제되는 부분이 없습니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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