▶ Your Answer :
As children grow, parent’s education styles
become more important than when they were younger. In this situation, some
people think that strict rules for children should be set for their success in
life. However, in my opinion, strict rules are not necessary for children to
obtain success for two reasons. Strict rules could be huddles for their success
and also make children select wrong ways for their success.
First of all, strict rules for children
could be huddles for them to obtain success the obstacles to become successful. One of the most important things
for success is creativity. If parents set strict rules for children, they will
spend hard time to think creatively because they need to do things just in the
boundary that parents set they only have to follow the rules set by parents. When a child got homework from school, he will put
efforts to find the way solving the problem. Using internet via computer,
finding articles from books, and so forth and finding articles could be measures for doing to do homework.
But it parents made rules that their child can’t use computer on the weekdays,
the child cannot use the computer for solving the problem However, if there is a regulation on using computer, child cannot solve the problems. As a result, children
won’t will not (에세이에서는 줄인말을 서술하면 안됩니다) think other creative ways to solve their problem and finally they won’t
succeed in life.
Moreover, if parents set too strict rules
for their children, children could select wrong ways for their life. Most
children want to do the things that parents say do not do. So as parents set
the rules strictly, children would act exact the other way that parents want
to. For example, when parents set a rule that they will give a dollar for a day
to their child for their future economic ability, the child will think that’s
too small amount money for their daily life. Then the child will find another
way to get more money. And some children will get money from friends using
violence for example.
As a result, as the importance of rules for
their children has risen because parents want them succeed in life, some people
think that strict rule will be a good measure for their success. However, in my
opinion, strict rules are not necessary for the reasons I mentioned above.
Fair: 17~23 점수: 21 일단 문법적인 오류들이 많이 보입니다. 특히 이런 문법적인 오류는 첫 번째 단락에서 많이 보여주는 데. 문법적인 오류들은 에세이로 하여금 설득력과 플로우를 방해하기 때문에 제가 첨삭한 것을 보시면서 확인 하시길 바랍니다. 또한 두 번째 단락 같은 경우는 같은 문장들을 반복하는 경향이 있습니다. 따라서 좀 더 다른 표현으로 겹치는 부분들을 다르게 설명하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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