▶ Your Answer :
영문 글에서는 들여쓰기를 tab으로 넓게 해주거나, 들여쓰기 없이 문단 사이 한 줄 공백을 만들어서 씁니다. 답안 작성하실 때 참고해주세요.-> Parents
usually are concerned with their children’s behavior because they are afraid of
their kids’ misbehaviors. Thus they sometimes try to monitor them and coach
their children how to behave in certain circumstances. However, I think it is a
bad idea to observe children’s behavior when they are playing with their
friends. The reasons illustrating this are stated in the following paragraphs.
To
begin with, monitoring their kids closely would hinder harm their children from to getting get
along with their friends freely. If parents continue to observe their behavior
and tell sold them if they did wrong, kids have to read their parents’ face
frequently, which disturbs thus disturbing them from playing to play with their friends. In addition, the
children whose parents tend to interfere frequently would be teased as mama’s
boy by their friends. For instance, when I was a kid, one of my friends' friend’s mother
was so passionate that she tried to monitor every behavior of her son and follow every
place that he her son went. Her behavior disrupted us from playing to play, so we started to
feel agitated and keep mocking him as a mama’s boy. It is bad to make fun at
someone else, but since kids are too young to acknowledge it, observing one’s child
too closely will only hurt the child. 아이들이 부모를 살피느라 자유롭게 놀지 못하는 것과는 다른 내용이기 때문에 한 문단 안에 들어가기는 애매한 것 같아요. 부모가 아이들을 감시하는 것과 마마보이는 '나약한 남자'를 일컫는 다른 뉘앙스의 단어이기 때문에 현재 흐름에서는 어색합니다. 앞부분의 내용과 연결되도록 다른 흐름으로 다듬는 편이 나을 것 같습니다.
Next, monitoring children would increase dependency
towards their parents, thus rather adding misbehavior problems. Children, whose
parents always follow them follows, have hard time to do doing things by themselves without parents. when their
parents are not present. When parents are monitoring their children to mend
their misbehavior, they are not just teaching them; they even try to help them
when they are in trouble. Due to this fact, kids keep expecting that someone
will appear to assist them, therefore becoming passive and lethargic to perform
difficult tasks.
Finally, sometimes behaviors that adults
believe to be bad were actually not misbehaviors; it could be one’s personal
characteristic. Thus, trying to observe their behaviors and mend them would prevent harm their kids from developing to develop mature personality and even cause failures in development
of self-confidence. self-conscious. Parents usually want their children to be quiet quite, polite and
hard-working, so they dislike when their children talk too much, play with
their friends vigorously or overact. However, in many cases, it is the child’s
own personality to be the extrovert. I once learned in a psychology class that to keep regulating the children’s behavior would make kids to deny their personality
and discourage them from developing to develop their ego, leading them to be adults with lack
of self-confidence. 아이들을 감시하는 부모가 대체로 이러이러하다, 하는 내용은 과도한 일반화입니다. 아이들을 계속해서 감시하려고 하는 것이 자기발전을 저해할 수 있다는 주장은 reasonable하지만, 색칠한 부분들은 과도한 일반화이니 수정이 필요합니다. 현재 내용은 굳이 위 문단과 나눌 필요 없이 아이들이 의존적이 되어서 자기개발이 어려워진다는 식으로 문단을 만들면 더 자연스러울 것 같아요.
To
conclude, although parents are worried about their kids’ development and
behaviors, it would be much better for them to let their kids to play with
their friends freely. Since monitoring children will disturb them from getting to get along
with their friends and cause them to become passive. Furthermore, observing and
mending their children’s behavior will deteriorate their self-development.
Therefore, I disagree with the following statement that monitoring children
when they are getting along with friends is beneficial for children’s behavior.
Comment : 논리 전개에 활용할 수 있는 좋은 idea들이 많은데, 아직 논리가 충분히 정돈되지 않은 부분들이 아쉽습니다. 아이들이 마음껏 놀지 못해서 교우관계에 영향을 줄 수 있다거나, 지나치게 의존적인 아이가 되어서 자기개발이 어려워진다는 식의 논리로 풀어내면 좋을 것 같아요. 설명 과정에서 흐름에 맞지 않는 내용이나 과잉일반화가 드러나는 부분들을 더 다듬어주세요. 문법오류와 오탈자도 많은 편이니 꼼꼼하게 검토해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2.5/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음) |