▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that being able to cooperate with other people is more important than it was before. However, in my opinion,
I think the cooperation is more critical in the past society. There are two reasons
why I think this way., fFirst reason is that today’s society requires people to
have competitive abilities and the second reason is that in the past society, such as
agriculture society, cooperation is one of the most important virtues. >space
To begin with, contemporary society is full
of competition, regardless of age or gender. Individuals have to compete with
someone else, whether if they want or not. this person wants it or not. Moreover, one’s competitive
abilities are connected with the one’s successive business life and this
environment makes people to avoid working with others. Even worse, most people
think that working together with others is an erroneous idea. For example, the
statistics written by the board of work in Korea shows that this inclination well.
This statistic is to ask asked people who have has a job in Seoul about whether they cooperate with
other coworkers during their work. Surprisingly, about 78 percent of this the people said say that they think that working together with others is a not good idea, because
it is hard to divide the reward equally and they thought that it makes the
other competitor to copy their work easily. 협동하는 '능력'의 중요성에 대한 문제이므로 사람들이 협동을 잘 하지 않으려고 하는 추세에 대한 설명은 주제와 관련이 없습니다. >space
On top of that, the past society has more
cooperative atmosphere than nowadays. This is because, in the past, the neighborhood was is smaller than now since people they had no comfortable and affordable transportations
for average people. Moreover, they are lived in a hierarchical society, most lower
class had to work for high class and offer submit their crops to them, because they
believe that if they give crops to high class, this high-class people will
prevent them from invasion by other town. For example, the past people were are
mostly doing agriculture, since they had have to serve the food for high-class. Since
agriculture needs cooperation with others, they had to stay intimidate with
their neighbors and work with them. Therefore, there were a lot of policies
existed that required the cooperation between neighbors. and this environment helped
them when the war occurred, because they worked with others in every basis,
they had a high quality of work while fighting together. 과거에 협동이 어떤 기능을 했는지는 크게 중요하지 않습니다. 과거에는 이렇게 중요했는데 오늘날은 그렇지 않다는 점까지 비교해서 설명하는 부분을 만들어주세요.
To sum up, today’s society has more
competitive environments whereas despite the past society had has cooperative atmosphere.
In this regard, I think that being able to work with other people is less crucial
than it was before.
Comment : 주제가 물어보는 것은 협동의 '중요성'이므로 왜 오늘날 협동이 덜 중요해졌는지를 설명하는 데 초점을 두어야 합니다. 사람들이 요즘 잘 협동하지 않으려고 한다거나, 과거에 협동해서 어떤 점이 좋았는지 설명하는 것은 논점에 맞지 않습니다. 주제에 정확한 답변을 할 수 있도록 주장을 다시 생각해보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 내용을 전개할 때 문단의 중심 내용과 크게 관련 없는 내용이 끼어들지 않도록 유의해주세요. 문법오류와 오탈자도 더 꼼꼼히 봐주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2/5 An essay at this level may reveal one or more of the following weaknesses :
- Limited development in response to the topic and task (문제의 요구사항에 정확한 답변을 하지 못한 경우) - Inadequate organization or connection of ideas (연결이나 구성이 부적절한 경우) - Inappropriate or insufficient exemplifications, explanations or details to support or illustrate generalizations in response to the task (설명이나 예시, 세부사항이 필자의 주장을 뒷받침하기에 부족하거나 부적절한 경우) - A noticeably inappropriate choice of words or word forms (부적절한 단어 또는 형태의 사용) - An accumulation of errors in sentence structure and/or usage (두드러지는 문장구조/사용 상의 오류) |