▶ Your Answer : It is often believed that children in the past were more independent on their parents than those now. However, contrary to in contrast to this idea, I firmly believe that nowadays children are more independent (본인의 아이디어를 긍정적으로 제시할 때는 반박하는 부분을 부정적으로 하는게 좋습니다) because both of parents work and there are good teachers except parents.To begin with, these days, both of parents are working, so they are usually not in at home. Therefore, children should be are able to do their works by themselves. In this process (프로세스에 대한 설명이 더 필요할 거 같에), children find their ways and become more independent. My friend - Hyun wo is a good example. His parents manage the family restaurant, so they always come back home about around 9 PM. So, he has done does his works by himself. At first time, it was very hard for him, but now he can do many things such as cooking healthy food, washing the dishes and doing laundry. Therefore, he looks more mature than his peers, and when he faces difficult situations, he struggles to finish them alone and succeed. On top of that, unlike the past, children can have good teachers in the schools and other academic places. In the past, children studied in at home and parents or grandparents were teachers to them. So it was natural that they depended on their parents. On the other hand, nowadays, all children go school and meet their teachers. They teach math and history, and even give them useful lessons. So, children can be more independent on their parents. For example, When I was a four year in the elementary school, I met my homeroom teacher. He was very old, so had a lot of experiences. Thankfully, he really liked me and gave helpful messages to me. Therefore, when I had trouble, I consulted with him to solve my problems. Because of this behavior, I do not depend on my parents as much as possible. (선생에 대한 중요성을 더 강조하는게 좋을 거 같아요 결론을 너무 급전개로 끝낸거 같습니다) To sum up, nowadays both of parents ordinarily go working and children can have good and helpful consultants in the school, not in the at home. In this regard, without any hesitation, I strongly suggest that current children are much more independent on their parents than those in the past. Fair: 17~23 점수: 22 일단 가장 큰 문제점은 문법적인 문제가 많습니다 특히 전치사 사용에서 많이 틀리시는 거 같습니다. 이런 부분에서 복습이 필요할 거 같습니다. 또한 너무 구체적일 설명이 없습니다. 급전개로 문장을 끝내는 경향이 있습니다. 이 것 또한 고치면 더 좋을 거 같아요. 수고하셨습니다. |