▶ Your Answer :
Generally, the young young people are believed to enjoy their life better than
the old people because they are physically healthy and active. However, it rather
seems to me that older people are able to enjoy their lives more than young
people. It is because they have more time as well as money to spare, and they plans
organizing to organize what they want to do and also know what would make them the
happiest. These are illustrated in the following paragraphs.
To
begin with, the old people have more money to spare for their leisure than the young people.
Young adults usually suffer from monetary problems; they have to repay their
student loan, rental fees and even have to support their babies when they get
married. However, lots of elderly people have saved money when they were young
and some of them are even receiving pension after retirement. Thus, they would
be more affluent and can spare this extra money for their leisure and
traveling. My grandparents have been traveling around the countries recently
and enjoying their lives. They said the reason that they can enjoy their lives
is because they are receiving rental fee from a building they had bought with the
money saved for a long time (더 구체적인 설명 필요 이러한 이유 때문에 나이 든사람이 더 좋은 환경에 있다 등등 장점에대한 설명 필요)
Secondly, older people have not only money but
also time to spend on their leisure. Unlike young adults who are busy working
and caring their families they are supporting, most of the elder people had
retired and do not have young daughters or sons to take after. With this
leftover time, they can travel or get along with their friends or
neighborhoods. My hometown's community hall is always full of elderly people,
chatting and doing activities like cooking together. Yet, most young people
cannot participate in such programs because they are busy working at the
daytime and tired at night.
Lastly, it is the senior citizens who know
exactly what they want to do in their free times. Nowadays, a number of people
write down their wish list or bucket list that they want to do after they get
retired based on their interests and hobbies. Having these lists would help the
elderly to organize their leisure plans and choose the activities to do better
than the unplanned young adults. To take an example of my grandparents again,
they had written wrote down their to-do list as a bucket list for ten years and now
practicing them. Since they are active people, they did skydiving, mountain
climbing and learned cooking which were all planned in the list. (두 번째 이유랑 비슷 한거 같습니다 장황하고 사용 안하셔도 되는 바디 인 거 같습니다)
To
conclude, while it seems that young people enjoy their life better than the
seniors, it turns out that the older people truly enjoy rest of their lives
better than the young. It is because they are wealthier and less engaged than
the young. Furthermore, they have plans after their retirement, so they would
be able to enjoy their leisure time even better. Therefore, I disagree with the
statement above. Fair: 17~23 점수: 18 일단 가장 근본적인 문제는 두 번째 이유와 세 번째 이유가 겹칩니다. 독립형 에세이를 쓰실 때 3 가지 이유를 사용하여서 장황하게 서술 하시는 것 보다, 2개의 이유를 통해 간결하게 쓰는게 더 좋을 거 같습니다. 이 에세이는 3가지 이유가 다 비슷 하기 때문에 2가지 이유만 사용하시는 게 더 좋을 거 같습니다. 또한 각각 바디에서 설명이 더 필요한게 있었습니다 참고하시길 바랍니다. 수고하셨습니다. |