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아까 같은 토픽으로 올렸는데, 반대의견으로 써봤습니다
Some people think that parents have to let their children to watch TV freely. However, I have a different idea. First of all, it will irritate their concentration. Secondly, it will expose harmful contents for children. disagree with such assertion for the following two subsequent reasons.
To begin with, if there were was no control from parents, children would spend much of time thoughtlessly. Since they have limited self-regulation abilities than adults, if they cannot be confined to watch TV, they would spend much of time to TV a lot of time on watching TV. It will bother their study. For example, when I was an elementary school, I was always watching a TV animation after school. I spent more 5 hours time to it at a day, also I often stayed up all night. I felt so tired and could not concentrate on my class. Finally, I got a very worse score in the final test and I could not get a good grade until my mother limited watching TV 2 hour at a day.
On top of that, the TV program often contains improper information for young children. This violent scenes can have a harmful effect on the children's mental state. For instance, according to research from the University of Maryland, they conducted the relationship between the mental illness and exposure in violent scene. The result was very intriguing. The young children who 30% more exposed to criminal scene tended to 60% susceptive in mental such as depression, concentration-disorder. Moreover, among 50% of them experienced significant decrease in cognitive ability.
To sum up, young children have a lack of ability to control their behavior and they would be exposed to inappropriate scenes of TV. In this regard, parents have to limit young children watching TV freely.
Good: 24~30
점수: 24
일단 전반적으로 에세이가 좀 짧다라는 느낌이 듭니다. 짧다라고 느낌이 드는 것은 각 부분에서 구체적인 설명이 빈약하다는 것 입니다. 독립형 에세이에서 가장 중요한 것은 본인의 에세이를 통하여서 상대방을 설득 할 수 있냐 인데 지금 이 에세이는 이러한 면에 있어서 많은 부족함이 있습니다. 각 바디의 구체적인 설명이 부족하기 때문에 전반적으로 어떠한 말을 하려고 하는지 알 수 가 없습니다. 이러한 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.