Some people believe that young people to select should select a different occupation with parent because their relationship can be aggravated due to not matched decision, while other people think differently. If I were asked to choose, I would say that young people to choose the same job with the parent. take similar occupation with their parent..for the following two subsequent reasons. There are several reasons and example as follows.
To begin with, it can be teached teach more efficiently when young people share same vocation with their parents. This is because if parents are located in similar working place, who can inherit their secret technique to their children they can teach secret tactics to succeed. Also, children can learn more easily, it probably better than be employed different job and learn by a stranger. For example, when I was a 14, my brother wants to be employed by financial companies. But after, he failed to enter related financial job. However he failed to enter financial company. Then, he didn't want to enter father's company which is related architecture, but he entered in that company. Few weeks after, he seemed too busy because he had to acclimatize for new studying with father. However, I think that it is very good situation since I didn't want to see his more tired and depressed state.
on top of that, it can make more intimate relationship between children and parents. To be specific, they have to discuss more time in order to obtain each other's information. Thus, they can get more time to do anything with each other and logically it can be intimate more. for instance, we according to announcement of Tokyo University, the people can be intimate when they are located in the same situation or have same hobby. This is because simply they can discuss and compete to confirm their opinion to compare other people. Therefore, their more good relationship is an essential result as passed time
Good: 24~30
점수: 24
일단 결론은 어디있나요?? 독립형 에세이에서 가장 중요한 구조는 인트로 바디 결론입니다. 결론은 전체적으로 이 에세이를 정리하는 것이기 때문에 꼭 필요합니다. 또한 문법적인 오류들이 있습니다. 제가 첨삭한 부분을 보시고 확인 하시길 바랍니다. 전체적으로 보았을 때 이유에 대한 구체적인 설명이 많이 부족해보입니다. 좀 더 구체적인 설명을 사용하여서 이유를 명확하게 제시할 수 있는 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셧습니다.