Opinions might vary on the issue of whether all university students should required to take at least one class that teaches the cultrue of a country other than their own. Personally, I strongly believe that learn(ing) about their own country is not necessary. First, There are many means to learn about our culture without taking the class. Second, It is better to spend time to study their major than the class that studying their own culture.
(서론에서부터 이런것들을 쓰실 필요는 없어요. 서론에는 thesis만 밝혀주시면 되요. 그리고 너무 갑작스럽게 주제로 넘어가신것 같은데 처음에는 이런 이슈에 대한 요즘 추세같은것을 쓰는것이 좋아요..)
To begin with, All university students don't have to take the class that teaches the culture of their own
because there are many methods to learn about culture.
Nowdays, We can easily learn about our culture by Television, Newspaper and books even we don't want to. Not only that, We can know about our culture by experiences.
A funeral, for exampel(example..), even we don't learn about it deeply we can do this naturally.
When we face with a funeral we can see how adults deal with it so that we can learn it very naturally.
Therefore, Students can learn about our culture even they don't take the class.
글쎄요... 장례식이 우리의 문화에 대해서 잘 말해주고 있나요? 제 생각에는 어느 나라나 장례식을 치르는 걸로 알고있는데요....... 예가 약간 이상한 방향으로 갔네요.. 차라리 님이 말씀하신것처럼 텔레비젼이나 신문이나 책에서 우리가 문화를 배울수 있다는 방향의 예로 갔으면 더 좋았을 텐데요..)
Beisdes, It is better to spend time to study their own major.
In the company, they want to hire a person who is expert of the feild.
So university students have to study about their major more deeply for their future.
Knowing about the culture of their own country is not beneficial to them.
주장을 뒷받침할수있는 예가 너무 적어요....
To summarize, It is not necessary to take the class that teaching about the culture of their own country.
Because they can learn about their culture by many methods without taking class.
Also, Studying deeply their major is more beneficial to them.
paraphrasing을 해서 결론을 적으시는것이 더 좋고요. 결론으로 쓰기에는 너무 진부한것 같아요. 마지막 코멘트 같은것을 쓰셨으면 좋겠네요.
For these reasons, University students don't have to take the calss that teaches the culture their own
country.
불필요해요
전체적으로 봤을때 님께서는 토플 라이팅을 접해보신지 얼마 안됐을거라고 생각되네요. ^^;
일단 가장 급한것은 문법실수와 스펠링 실수가 너무 잦아요...;;
특히 동사와 명사구분이 잘 안돼시는것같은데 기본 문법책으로 한번 점검하시면 더욱 좋을것같아요..
그다음에는 서론 본론 결론에 맞추어서 좀더 체계적으로 가셨으면 좋겠구요
마지막으로 model essay를 보시면서 생각을 정리하셨으면 해요.. ^^
라이팅 이게 쉬운것같은데 막상 잘 안써지더라구요 ^^;;;
열심히 노력하셔서 일취월장 하는 모습 보여주세요~ ^^;
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