During the rush hours, drivers should be required to pay fees for using city highways)-Agree결론에서 "incredibly terrible traffic jam" 이거 너무 구어체인가요..? 안쓰는게 나으려나? 두번째 supporting idea에서.. 이유가 살짝 "global issue"랑 "health issue"가 섞였는데 다 environment로 엮어지긴 해서 한문단에 넣긴 했거든요? 근데 separate 하는게 나을까요 ?
점수는 몇점정도 예상하세요 ?? :)
Whether or not drivers should be required to pay fees for using city highways raises many questions. Some people argue that drivers have the right to use city highways for free at any time. However, I strongly agree with the topic sentence that drivers have to pay some money to use city highways during the rush hours. There are two reasons supporting my idea; too many cars blocking the streets and causing the environmental pollution.
To begin with, during the rush hours on city highways, there are way too many cars causing serious traffic jam. In particular, in Korea where I live in, economy is highly developed and almost everyone owns their own cars thanks to the inexpensive cars. As people have cars, they ride when they commute from house to work place. Especially, many companies are located in Seoul, the capital of Korea while houses for workers are outside of Seoul. And highways connect Seoul and outside of Seoul. Since the work places and houses are quite far away each other, there are so many people riding their cars every morning and evening. People get irritated when they have to hurry every morning to get to their work places because of traffic jams caused by too many cars, and too far distance between a house and a work place. For this reason, government should make drivers pay tax to reduce the cars on the highways during the rush hours and probably the government can spend these collected fees to construct new roads to solve this problem.
( first 문단은 perfect and 첫번째 이유를 드신 문단은 정말 문법도 거의 완벽한거 같았고 논리적으로 잘 설명하신거 같은데 I think you are not explaining fully about the serious situations or consequences of traffic jams. Like people can encounter car accident 왜냐면 rush hour에 먼저가려고 driver가 argue하니깐요. 그리고 이런 traffic jam 으로 인해 workers들은 회의나 직장에 늦기 때문에 그들의 직장에도 negatively influence한다라는 말을 더 넣어주셨으면 합니다. 대신 seoul 이랑 뭐 outside of seoul 연결하는 highways얘기를 조금 줄이시구요^^ 그내용으로 traffic jam와 연관지어 자세히 설명하시려 한거 같은데 보면 무려 문단의 반을 차지하고있어용^^ 그외에는 다 너무나 잘쓰신거 같아용.)
Secondly, the pollution problem can justify the fee during the rush hour. Nowadays the environmental issues are so important (need a little bit more explanation by adding a few words you can say as it negatively affects 머시기)and nobody can deny this fact. And Korea is one of the developed countries so that required to be a role model of environmental friendly country to developing countries. (여기서 약간 의미를 이해못하겠네요. 저만 못하는건지^^;; 한국이 선진국중 하나기 때문에 그래서 that이 친환경적 나라의 롤모델이 후진국들에게 되길 require했다. 이걸 말씀하시는건지? 만약 맞다면 that 이 앞에서 무슨 것을 의미하는 지시어이며 약간 논리적으로 조금 잘 안맞는거 같습니다. 그리고 여기서 구지 그런말을 할 필요가 없을거 같습니다. )There is a consummate pressure on Korea when it comes to environmental issue such as reducing CO2 emission which is globally considered(약간 뭔가 부족한듯^^;;;). On top of that, the air pollution in Korea is too severe that many people are suffering from disease. Foreigners visiting Korea from clean-air country always complain about air pollution in Korea even though Korea is such a cutting-edge city.(여기 앞에문장들서 환경문제랑 rush hour의 연결고리를 설명해주는 문장이 안보였구 그냥 단지 환경이 심각하다 그것만 보여주는 내용같습니다.) Also, in rush hour, people have a hard time (왜 러시아워에는 사람들이 어려움을 겪는지 설명이 안나와 있는거 같네요 물론 뒤에 harmful gas때문이라고 명시해주고는 있지만 그로인해 respiratory problem 이나 그 접촉 때문에 skin disease그런 health problem 을언급해주어야겠지용)because of the higher amount of harmful gas from cars. Thus, for the health of people and ultimately, for the environment, drivers should be required to pay fee during the rush hours.
님이 말씀하신대로 global environment health 내용이 다 한문단에 들어가있습니다. 따라서 아예 다른 이유로 나누어저야합니다. 즉 한국이 선진국이다 뭐시기 우짜고 그런내용은 environment problems과 직접적 연관도 없는거 같고 그 연관이 있다고 해도 그걸 이어주는 connection 이 논리적으로 부족한거 같네요^^;; 그리고 environment면 그 하나만 focus해야합니다. 저도 해커스첨삭을 받아봤는데 한문단안에 막 두가지 information 이 들어가니깐 minus가 팍팍되더군요^^;; environment 하나로 충분히 길게 잘쓸수 있을꺼에요 어차피 minimum 300 이니깐 님 글은 한 400 중후반되신거 같던데^^;; 짧은글로도 설명만 잘한다면 appeal 을하겠죵??
Topic sentence 2) environment related issues
General statement2) destroy land near highway due to harmful emissions from car
Specific example2) 나는 뭐 고속도로 주변에 사는데 배기가쓰땜에 농작물이 막 상하고 뭐 등등 피해를 입음
In brief, it is necessary to burden fees to drivers in order to relieve the incredibly terrible traffic(사전을 참고한결과 incredibly 는 약간 positive한걸 강조할 때 쓰는 단어같으니깐 incredibly 를 구지 쓰시지 않고도 terrible 이 막 끔찍한걸 나타내주는 단어니깐 더 이상 수식어가 필요없을 듯 함^^;;) jam during the rush hours and to be an environmental-friendly country.(마지막으로 말씀드릴게 conclusion 에 final message를 해주시면 어떨까용?)
점수는 그리고 제가 miss한 info 도 있을거고 또 제가 잘못한 첨삭도 있을테니 점수는 저도 잘모르겠네용;;
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