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1. The ability to read and write is more important today than it was in the past.
Writing and reading is the key to a successful and independent life in the contemporary society. Look for instance to the uncountable blogs in the Internet where the people express their opinions (to tell their friends what they were observing at the weekend or to publish political things like violation to the human rights in china during the Olympic games.) 요부분 좀만 간추려서 쓰는게 나을것 같아요. From my point of view, reading and writing is obviously more important than it was in the past because most of the jobs are knowledge based nowadays?? and it will help you to become an independent thinking and acting person! I will outline my points in detail in the following.
To begin with, do you know the sociological term “knowledge based working world”? If this is not the case, let me sum it up for you: Most of the jobs fifty or sixty years ago required strength and manpower, because the majority of jobs were placed? in the agriculture. (However,)Nowadays the social and technology change brought jobs to light, which are based on specific knowledge, like writing essays for newspapers or using(스..스펠링 맞나요 -_-;;;? 헷갈림..) excel for calculation and consulting jobs. These jobs obviously have obviously the requirement that that you can write, speak und read fluently. (이 문장 Otherwise, your chances at the labour market will not be too that high.
Furthermore, the ability to write and read will help you to become more independent. For instance, look back at your childhood. Your parents surely told you all the time things you could not know because you were not able to read and write. In the modern world, everything is more complex then it was for example hundred years before. Especially the international relations between nations are getting more complex and to know what is going in you have to use your reading skills 무슨 말인지 모르겠어요; and furthermore, to publish your opinion you have indeed to write. 이 문장 끊어서 따로 쓰셔도 될듯.. So this ability will make you an independent and critical thinking person!
In conclusion, to cope with this complex world, you have to use your writing and reading skills.(The reason is that~이유2개) and Moreover, to be successful in a competitive and keen labour market, you should develop them constantly.
*대체적으로 긴 문장들이 많은것 같아요. (인트로 마지막문장, 등등 -_-;;;)
*관사를 좀 많이 끼워넣으시는것 같은데.. 이부분은 저도 확실하지 않으므로 일단 표시만 합니다 ^^
*첫번째 단락
- 두번째 문장 (Look for instance~) 요부분, 단락이랑 전혀 상관이 없어보여요.
people expressing their opinions on thier blogs 랑 successful, independent life 은 전혀 다른 이야기죠..
*두번째 단락
- 여기 내용 다 좋은데요,,
specific knowledge 보단 reading and writing 이라던가 business 도 좋을듯..
*세번째 단락
- ... 두번째 문장 .. 부터 세번째 문장까지 past 랑 childhood 에 대해서..
문제는 예전보다 지금 reading, writing 능력이 강조되고있다.. 는건데,
childhood 는 예전.. 이라기엔 의미가 약간 다르죠..
- childhood이야기 뒤부터 마지막문장 전까지 이부분은
전체적으로 helping to become independent랑은 관계가 없는것 같아요.
으음... 라이팅 쓰실때.. 첫번째 바디까지는 계획대로 쓰시다가
두번째 바디부터 계획에 차질이 생긴듯한 느낌.. 이랄까요..
브레인스토밍 할 때 좀더 구체적으로 생각해놓고 쓰시는게 좋을것 같아요......
아 그리고 인트로 말입니다.
저번에 간략하게 썼다고 지적한것 ;;;; 그쪽이 좀 간결하고 자연스러운것 같아요..
맘대로 지적해서 죄송함니다 (--)(__)꾸벅