Some people believe that living in city is better for children than living in rural areas. small town. But I do not agree with the idea for child's health and their education. helpful educational effects.
(서론이 너무 짧습니다..^^ 서론에서 자기 주장을 적은 뒤에, 바디에서 설명할 이유1,2 를 간단하게 적어주셔야 합니다. 그리고 문장은 but, and, so 등으로 시작하지 않습니다!)
First of all, living in rural area is advantageous for health of young kids. This is because compared to urban area, there are many chances to meet live on green grass and forest in small town. Boys and girls Children can run and walk along the farmlands and go fishing to the stream, which means they have more chances to develop physical strength and experiences. Meanwhile, city living children are more exposed to more probabilities to be contaminated by environmental environment, and hormones and heavy metals (like cadmium and lead). (environment 뒤에 fumes 나 다른 env. contamination 을 쓰는게 좋을것 같네요^^) Korean children's agency collaborated environmental impact on children (정확하게 state 해주세요. vague 하지말고!) with MInistry of Education. They selected the prototype of children from each region- cities and small towns. The results did not cast any doubts about the concerns over the pollution of cities. (길게 늘어뜨리는 것 보다는.. 그냥 pollution of cities 가 affect (어떤식으로) a lot 한다고 state 하는게 간단하고 좋을것 같네요^^) Children in cities tend to have more effected (be affected 아니면 suffer from ~) by many kinds of heavy metals in their hairs, eyelids and skin, of which percent was environmental problems 7 times as high as their counterparts in rural area.
(그냥 환경 문제 때문인가요?^^ 그냥 사람들이 아니라 <<아이들>> 이 문제에서 주어졌는데, 그럼 아이들에 초점을 맞춰 주셔야 해요. 왜 꼭 아이들이 polluted area 에 있으면 특히 안좋은지!
negatively affected 되는건 똑같은데, 그것이 <<아이들>> 에게 어떻게 안좋은지. 써주세요~!
예를들어, polluted area는 아이들의 성장을 어떤식으로 방해하는지? 라던가..! meanwhile 부터는 도시에서 살면서 안좋은점.. 에 대해서 쓰셨는데, 반대 내용을 이렇게 길고 specific 하게 쓰지 않으셔도 괜찮습니다.
그냥 specific 하지만, 짧고 간단하게 써주시면 돼요~^^)
On top of that, living in countires have more educational strength benefits in education for children. child. As the trees, lakes and mountains (Since the nature is~) are near and friedly to rural living-children, without demur, it is helpful for children to learn about the importance of protecting the environment. eco-friendly idea in early age. A lot of university professors in education and environmentalists assert that living environment OR atmosphere affect ~ .growing circumstance cannot but impact on the thought of what the young come to think of. An interesting study shows the evidence upon the doubts. The subjects were provided to select the masterpiece of great artists. The outcome was quite surprise (surprising) given that many city-dwellers have more possibility to choose the pictures representing only individual activities and sad or lonely looks of people. (individual activites 빼야할것 같습니다. 그리고 문장 내 의미가 애매모호 하네요..! 어색한 구조도 그렇고..ㅠㅠ) Conversely, counterparts prefer to take pictures of cooperation, action of working.
On the whole, children have premium to live in rural area for providing with health growth and educational advantages. (뒷부분에 표현을 정확히 ..해주세요...^^)
(불필요하게 너무 긴 문장도 많고, 문법상 들어맞지 않는 문장이 많습니다..^^ 모범답안을 보고 쓰는것 보다는, 거기서 얻은 몇개의 아이디어를 가지고 자기 own words 로 쓰는게 좋을것 같네요.
들쑥날쑥한 부분도 많고, environment 이야기를 하다가 (밑줄친 부분의) lonely or sad looks 라고 설명하시고.. 주장과 부연설명, 그리고 예제간의 relevance 도 잘 모르겠습니다.!
좀더 정확히 적어주세요. 그리고, 환경 문제 이야기는 계속 환경 문제에서 stay 해주세요~^^ 뒷 문장도, environment 의 "어떤점" 때문에 living in rural area 가 좋다. 라고 간단히 써주세요.)
In this regard, I strongly suppor the arguement that living in country (country 보다는.. rural area 라고 적어주세요^^) is better for children than living in city.
("""왜""" living in rural area 가 더 좋은지 이유를 써주셔야합니다. 서론과 결론 모두 신경 써주세요~!) |