▶ Your Answer : Some people
might think that it is better to solve problems based on one’s experience and
knowledge rather than get advice from older people. However, I think getting
advice and asking for help would be more efficient to overcome difficulty.
There is a couple of reason to prove my claim for the following two subsequent reasons.
To begin with,
asking a favor of older people to get advice helps to save time one can save time. To be
specific, if you waste time solving problems based on your own, does time wait
for you? The answer would be no Time does not wait if people wast time in solving problems on their own (독립형 에세이에서는 you를 서술하면 안됩니다). Since you cannot turn time back, people people cannot turn time back, they must
use time productively by getting advice from other people when dealing with
trouble. In the world we live in, time is gold, so people must save as much
time as they can. In this sense, it can be very helpful to search those who can
support you and find solutions from them who can support and find solution. Also, older people are likely to have
a wide variety of experiences because of their time to live. Their help and
advice will, in turn, be very useful to deal with difficulties. I will give an
example of myself. Last month, I tried to find a house to live in without any
help and I spent too much time searching requirements for buying a house and pinpointing
suitable location to be delayed for preparing my career interview. Therefore, I
missed the important opportunity and I am very regretful. If I asked for help
to older people, I would have saved so much time and done more productive works.
On top of that,
it is restricted to find solutions based on one’s own experience and knowledge.
This is because there is limits to what one know There is a limit what one knows (this is because는 적절하지 않는 표현 입니다). People only have knowledge
about their special fields and interests. Therefore, in order to solve crisis
quickly, they are necessary for other’s advice and help they need others' help. There was a survey
conducted by a group of education majors with 200 high school students as
respondents. The purpose of the survey was to understand their way to dealing
with trouble of dealing with problem. An overwhelming 85% of respondents replied that they asked a
favor of older people so as to solving problems to solve problems. They said the reason was that
they were lack of experiences to overcome troubles, so they were prone to get
advice from older people like their parents and teachers.
To sum up, it is
just a waste of time to try to find solutions on one’s own without any help of older
people. On the other hand, there is a limitation on one’s knowledge for
overcoming crisis to overcome crisis. In this regard, I firmly believe that getting advice from
older people is a good way to overcome difficulty.
점수: 22 두 가지 부분에 있어서 오류가 존재하고 있는 독립형 에세이입니다. 첫 번째 오류 같은 경우는 첫 번째 단락이 너무 장호아합니다. 특히 예시 부분에 있어서 너무 장황한 에세이입니다. 이렇게 단락이 장황하게 되다 보면 본레 자기가 전달하려고 했던 의미들이 변질되게 됩니다. 의미가 변질이 되다 보면 무엇을 말하려고 하는것인지 파악하기가 어려워지기 때문에 제가 지적한 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 또한 어색한 표현들이 있으니 제가 지적한 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |